Do you think that you’ll be happy when
you finally lose those 15-20+ pounds?
Do you think that when you find the
perfect man/woman, that’s when you
will finally be at peace and fully loved?
How about when you finally get your
dream job/promotion/corner office?
That will surely make you feel that
you’re a success, worthy of others’
and your own esteem. Right?
There are some wounds from childhood
and adolescence, times when you didn’t get
some things like love, safety, and a sense of
security being in the world or times when you
got some things that you didn’t need that
destroyed your sense of wholeness, safety
Those experiences are like someone digging
up your yard and leaving huge, gaping holes
in the ground.
Looking For Fill Dirt
You can spend your life trying to find things,
both helpful and self-destructive, to fill in
the holes: careers, relationships, parenting,
hobbies, religion, addictions, distractions,
It’s like trying to find anything to fill the
void, fill the hole, stop up the wound.
Avoiding the Hole
You can also spend your life NOT trying to
find things to fill up the hole, because that
way you can say that the hole COULD have
been filled in if you had just gotten the dirt.
What does that look like?
You don’t lose excess weight, because what
if being normal weight doesn’t make you
happy? Then what are you going to do?
You don’t give up drinking and drugging,
because what if you aren’t more successful
when you’re sober? You don’t allow
anyone to get close to you, because what
if, when you finally have that “perfect life,”
you have to come to terms with the fact
that no one on this earth can make you
happy except yourself?
Bad News/Good News
I’ve got some bad news for you.
There are some holes that were dug so
deep when you were young, that no one
and nothing is ever going to be able
to fill them in.
I’ve also got some good news to go with
that bad news. Some really good news.
Not so good that it will make up for the
fact that those holes will never get filled in,
but still pretty good news:
It’s not necessary to fill those holes in
order to finally be happy, healthy,
feel worthy, or successful.
Work Them In
You don’t have to erase them, fill them
in, be ashamed you have them, or try
to pretend those holes don’t exist.
You just have to be okay with them
being there, and then work them into
You admit those are your wounds.
You say, “Yep, those half-filled holes
in the front yard are all mine.” And then
plant begonias and daisies all around them.
You Don’t Have to Love Them
You have to somehow get okay with big
holes being in the front yard.
I’m not saying you have to love them.
But you have to stop trying to find stuff to
fill them in all of them time, thinking
“that’ll do it!” Because it won’t.
It won’t finally make you happy.
It won’t finally make it all better.
And just think of all the time and energy
you’re going to save just sitting in your
lawn chair, enjoying the sun setting on
This week in A Year to Change , we are working
on the chapter titled Experiment With Change!
If you aren’t sure you want to or can make a big
change in your life, the best way to approach it
is to experiment…and I can show you how!
Come join us mad scientists and have some fun
making healthy changes in your life!