The deepest principle in human nature

is the craving to be appreciated.

~William James

One of the best pieces of parenting advice

I ever learned essentially stated that you

don’t want to wait for your child to do

something wrong and try to correct it…

you want to catch them doing something

right and acknowledge the Hell out of it!

The simple brilliance of this idea is that

catching someone doing something right

and rewarding it is not only more effective

than punishing bad behavior, it allows for

one of the more pleasant of all human

interactions : genuine appreciation.

When Was Your Last “Atta Boy or Atta Girl?”

Everyone loves to be seen, heard,

acknowledged, and appreciated when

they are working hard and doing the

right thing.

It’s sad that this rarely happens.

When was the last time someone said

to you, “Hey, I just want to thank you for

how hard you worked today.  It means a

lot to me.”  Or “Hey, you need to know

that you’re doing a great job parenting,

running this household, managing our

finances, keeping our yard up, helping

with my parents, loving me.”

When Was the Last Time You Gave One?

Appreciation is one of the supreme

motivators for human beings.

So when was the last time you gave an

“Atta Boy or “Atta Girl?

When was the last time you told your kid

that you were proud of them for hanging

in there with their homework?  For not

quitting the team when it got hard?

For brushing their teeth without needing

to be reminded? For being a cool kid?

When was the last time you told your

partner how much you appreciated

what they did today to make your day

easier, better, more manageable?

When was the last time you told your

co-worker, supervisor, or employee

how much it means to you that they

have your back and help you out?

Don’t Wait for a Hallmark Holiday!

It’s more meaningful and effective when your

words of appreciation come at non-Hallmark

holidays.  Don’t wait for graduations, retirements,

Administrative Staff Appreciation Day, or your

wedding anniversary to let the good stuff roll.

The compliment you get on the way out the door

from work means more than when it’s given in

front of everyone at the staff holiday party.

And if your partner surprised you tonight

with a “I really appreciate you for working

so hard to make our family/life/home so good,”

don’t tell me you wouldn’t get all warm inside.

Don’t Be Stingy with the Gold Stars

Let the “Catch “Em Doing Something Good” philosophy

extend outward to ALL your interactions.  You can

catch everyone from your waitress to the bagger

at the grocery store doing something right…

and don’t be stingy with the gold stars!

Let them know you appreciate how they put the

bread on top so it doesn’t get smashed.

Because don’t you really appreciate that? 

 

 

 

 

Happy Mother’s Day!

“If it’s not one thing, it’s your Mother!”

There’s a saying in psychotherapy that goes

“If it’s not one thing, it’s your Mother.”

Shall I say the field of psychology has often been less

than kind when it comes to Moms, blaming them for

causing autism to Bipolar Disorder and everything else?

In the 1950′s, even schizophrenia was blamed on cold,

unfeeling so-called “Refrigerator Moms.”

Once women began to influence the field of psychology,

and solid research helped to expose the ridiculousness

of blaming mothering for all manner of disorders,

it is no longer the norm in the field to blame Mom for

everything that might go wrong…in fact, there’s as

much interest in the field now at looking at the impact

of Fathers (or their absence) on mental health.

Exactly what is Mom’s Job Description?

In our culture, however, it is still a pretty tall order

that Mothers are attempting to fill to be “Good Moms.”

Here is a poem by Joanna Fuchs available from

Poemsource that you can use to honor Mom:

My Miracle MotherMom, I look at you
and see a walking miracle.
Your unfailing love without limit,
your ability to soothe my every hurt,
the way you are on duty, unselfishly,
every hour, every day,
makes me so grateful
that I am yours, and you are mine.
With open arms and open heart,
with enduring patience and inner strength,
you gave so much for me,
sometimes at your expense.
You are my teacher,
my comforter, my encourager,
appreciating all, forgiving all.
Sometimes I took you for granted, Mom,
but I don’t now, and I never will again.
I know that everything I am today
relates to you and your loving care.
I gaze in wonder
as I watch you being you—
my miracle, my mother.By Joanna Fuchs

We’re Going to Have to Fire Some Moms…

I mean no disrespect to Joanna Fuchs, but if this even

comes close to the job description, then most Mothers

I know are failing miserably and will be getting a pink slip.

As a Mother, despite doing the best that I can given

the circumstances, I know I do not have “unfailing

love without limit,” I’m not “on duty unselfishly every

hour, every day,” and I do not have the “ability to

soothe every hurt.” Not that I sometimes wish I could!

And most Moms that I know would fall short of these

expectations… because Moms are People, too!

In fact, they were people first.

Let’s Celebrate Real Moms…

Instead of celebrating “Miracle Mothers,” how about

we celebrate Real Moms?  Real Moms don’t have

unending patience, don’t always say the right thing

at the right moment, don’t know how to make

everything better…even though they may want to.

Real Moms are imperfect human beings who are

trying to figure out who they are in the world,

along with shouldering the immense responsibility

of trying to nurture and guide another human being

(or more) on their path through life.

Real Moms aren’t perfect…they make mistakes.

Real Moms come with both personal and cultural baggage

about being a Mother that they are trying to deal with.

Real Moms have physical and sometimes mental health

issues that affect how they parent, though they wish

they didn’t.

And Real Moms sometimes have strengths other than the

sterotypical ones of being nurturing and caring and forgiving.

Some Real Moms…

Some Real Moms are independent, successful in a

variety of settings, competent and efficient, organized

and determined, travellers and conquerers.

Some Real Moms are artistic, creative, in their own

special world that doesn’t look like anyone else’s.

Some Real Moms are entertainers, can make life

one big party, and know how to have fun.

Some Real Moms aren’t martyrs.  They take care of

themselves as well as others, understanding that a

sane, balanced life requires attending to their own

needs, too.

In Celebration of Real Moms:

So this Mother’s Day, instead of either idealizing Mom

as a “Miracle Mother,” or trashing her because she can

never live up to our culture’s unrealistic expectations,

maybe we can just honor and celebrate Real Moms.

You can say “thank you” to your Mom for doing the

best she could as a parent with what she knew at the time.

You can say “thank you” to your Mom for being the

interesting, wonderfully imperfect person that she is.

You can say “Happy Mother’s Day!” and celebrate the

fact that you have a Real Mom…

which is kind of a miracle in and of itself. 

 

A dog’s New Year’s Resolution:

I will not chase that stick unless I

actually see it leave his hand!

~Anonymous

It’s Not Too Late!

Did you make any New Year’s Resolutions this year?

How are you doing with those goals?

If you have already accomplished your New Year’s

Resolutions, then first of all, Congratulations

(and thanks for making the rest of us look bad)!

And second, get to work on your next set of goals!

For the rest of us turtles, it’s not too late…

to make some Half-Year Resolutions!

 Half-Year Resolutions

If you read my previous post this year about

how to make your New Year’s Resolutions stick,

you know that one of the things you need to do is

have special “Quarterly Meetings of the Board” to

review the progress you’ve made toward your goals,

and fine-tune your plan to achieve them.

So, here we are in the middle of Spring, and

it’s going to officially be Summer on June 20,

(for inquiring minds who want to know),

which means we are approaching mid-year.

That means you are now officially overdue for

a Board Meeting (or 2)…send out a memo!

No Sweat…

There are probably a ton of reasons why you

haven’t been able to get to those goals yet…

time, finances, crises and chaos, and don’t

forget to factor in forgetting and a serious lack

of motivation!  No matter…you still have 7

months to achieve some important goals

and make headway on the rest.  No sweat.

How exactly are we going to do this?

Take May to make a plan

Why not take the month of May to make

a plan about what goals are most important

to you right now…the ones you would like

to see major progress made on before you

get around to toasting the New Year in 2013?

Then you have 6 more months, starting in

June, to get working on your plan.

It beats wondering where this year went.

Making headway…

The summer months may actually afford

you more flexibility and time to be able to

make some headway on your goals than the

winter and spring months have.  You might

be out of school, or work is slower, or you can

just think a little more clearly with major

beginning-of-the-year projects out of the way.

Let’s get it started!

So look at your New Year’s Resolutions and see

what you still need to work on…or start on.

Or set 1-2 major goals that you know would make

you so proud of yourself if you made headway on

them before year’s end.  And get started now.

Half Year Resolutions are just as good as

New Year’s Resolutions.

In fact, they are far better than any New Year’s

Resolution that is never achieved. 

 

 

Filtering Difficult Experiences

 

I’m a big fan of the emotional equivalent

of  “emptying the trash.” Writing in a journal

helps people get in touch with their feelings

and express them without censorship.

It’s a research-tested treatment for those

suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress.

And if you journal right before bedtime,

it often leads to better sleep.

I Don’t Have Time For That

A lot of people (myself included) don’t like

writing everything out long-hand.

I hate hand cramps and who has the time?

And yet, taking a few minutes at the end of the

day to process what has happened that day

is just so fantastic for one’s mental health.

It prevents a build-up of stressful emotions,

provides effective stress management, and

leads to better sleep, mood, and energy levels.

Hmmm…what to do?

Try Emotional Dialysis

I pieced together a system for sorting through

the stuff that life hands you each day that

doesn’t take very long, is still very effective,

and I call it Daily “Emotional Dialysis.”

I have relied heavily on the wisdom

of centuries of sages, prophets, researchers,

and AA to put together what works for me.

If you like to make lists, you are going to

LOVE this system.  If you don’t…well,

just keep doing what works for you!

First, The Toxic Crap

In your journal or notebook, up in the top

left hand corner, you start making a list of

all the toxic crap that’s going on in your life.

This is the trauma, the tragedy, the stress,

the annoyances, the irritations, the yuck.

This is the stuff that if you don’t know how to

effectively filter and manage, it builds up in

your emotional system and causes major

back-ups, a kind of sepsis of the mental health

system leading to depression, anxiety,

and eventual hardening of the heart.

Next Up, Gratitude!

You know I am all yin and yang, and

think you need to balance everything.

Since we’re making a list of all the toxins, we

need to make a list of all the good stuff, too!

So on the right hand side of your journal,

right next to your list of all the crappy stuff

that you’re dealing with, make a list of any

and everything that went right today, that

was an example of goodness, or that you

can honestly say you are grateful for.

If someone was genuinely nice to you today,

if someone or something gave you hope that

maybe things aren’t all completely messed

up in this world…add it to your list!

I always love it when my Gratitude List ends

up being way longer than my Toxins List.

You’re Not Done Yet!

Getting in touch with the good stuff to

balance out the bad stuff helps to prevent

depression, but it doesn’t always help you

to know what to do with all the bad stuff.

But we’re not done yet.  Now comes the really

interesting part…this is where the dialysis or

“filtering” comes in.  You get to filter the toxic

stuff through something that helps you figure

out what to do…and (just as important )…

what to not do.

The CAN DO/LET GO Filter

Next we take the Serenity Prayer by

Reinhold Niebuhr:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

This is the filter we use to take each item in

your Toxins List and sort it through.

Ask yourself these questions:

*Do I have any control over this?

*Is there anything I can do about this

situation that might help?

*Do I have some responsibility or feeling

of being called to act/respond in any way?

Right below your Toxins List, start making a

list of anything that you can actually DO

about the tough stuff that’s happening

in your life.

Not a TO DO List, your CAN DO List.

What you do with this list is up to you.

Acceptance Means Letting Go

One more time, take each item in your

Toxins List, and ask yourself these questions:

*Do I need to accept that I do not have any

ability to control or change this situation?

*Do I need to be able to let go and be at

peace about this, however things turn out?

*Do I need to ask for strength, courage, stamina,

patience, or grace to be able to cope with this?

Now you can start making your final list I

call the LET GO List: you write down what you

need to accept, be at peace letting go of, and

a mini-prayer list where you ask (it’s okay to beg)

for what you need to be able to do these things.

This is the list where you have already

acknowledged that there is nothing you can

DO…or you would have listed that in your

CAN DO List.  It’s time to LET GO.

No, It’s Not Easy…

Just like going for real kidney dialysis,

this process is not easy or fun, even if the

process is speeded-up by using lists.

Considering all the things in your life that

are causing you pain or suffering is not fun.

Trying to figure out whether you have any

control over any of them is often not easy.

Trying to get to the place where you can accept

the things that you cannot change is neither

fun nor easy.  But I can tell you that it is

absolutely worthwhile to filter through the

toxins that you encounter in daily living so

that you can emerge with a clearer sense of

purpose, gratitude, and humility.

So could you use a little daily emotional dialysis?

 

 

The Submarine Expert

My husband tells this awesome story:

Something’s gone wrong on a nuclear

submarine and they call in “the expert” to

help figure it out and fix it.  So he comes

aboard and spends about an hour walking

up and down the entire submarine, finally

bends down and takes out a small hammer

and puts one nice, strong “tap” on one small

piece of the engine.  Suddenly, everything

is working again.  He says, “That’ll be

$100,000.”  The submarine captain is

indignant and says “How can one little

tap of your hammer be worth $100,000?!”

The expert replies, “It’s not.  The hammer tap

is worth $1.00.  It costs you $99,999 for

my knowing where to do it.”

A Hammer Tap for Your Day

Life is complicated.

There are more problems than solutions

on some days, and tons of stress to go around.

But there is one simple thing you can do that,

like that little hammer tap, will make all the

difference in how your day goes.

The secret? (Don’t get all indignant!)

Don’t hit the snooze button.

I know you need your sleep!

I’m all about you getting your 7-8 hours

of shut-eye every night.  But not by hitting

a snooze button anywhere from 3-99 times

in the morning, trying to wake up.

You waste an incredible amount of time

trying to wake up this way…and you

give your mind too many opportunities

while you are in this “twilight zone” of

trying to sleep/trying to wake to convince

yourself that you don’t REALLY need

to get up right now.  You don’t REALLY

need to make it to class on time…or at all.

You don’t REALLY need to get all those

things done you wanted to do this morning…

what you REALLY need is just 9 more

minutes of crappy semi-sleep.  Or 18.  Or 45.

Hit the floor, not the button

You have to actually do 3 things to get

your day started off right…yeah, I know I

said it would be 1, but now it’s 3.

I said life was complicated!

1.  You have to pick a realistic wake-up

time.  Not some pie-in-the-sky-you-wish-

you-could-get-up-at-that-time time.

Figure out what you want to get done

tomorrow, or what time you realistically

need to get ready for work/school/whatever

and then set the alarm clock for THAT time.

2.  You have to disable your SNOOZE button,

or get an alarm clock that doesn’t have one,

or put your alarm clock across the room

or way, way underneath your bed.

Or have amazing self-control and just

hit the OFF button instead of SNOOZE.

I said amazing self-control, right?

And…

3.  When your alarm goes off, your feet need

to hit the floor and you start moving.  In slow

motion.  Like a zombie with no brains…maybe

like a zombie looking for brains, I don’t know.

But you gotta get moving.

Head to the kitchen for coffee.

Walk to the shower, turn it on and get in.

Start making the bed.

No, you can’t lay back down on top of it!

Sit yourself down on your exercise bike

and start pedaling. (My personal favorite!)

It doesn’t matter, as long as you

are moving and your brain isn’t.

Whatever You Do…Don’t Think!

What you don’t want to do is allow yourself

to start thinking and talking to yourself.

You’ll start with “Oh man, it’s too early,

I’m exhausted, I need more sleep, I’ll

just hit the snooze button once.

I don’t REALLY have to get up this early

…what was I thinking yesterday, anyway?

I swear I’ll get up earlier tomorrow!”

A better way to wake up…

Sleep experts say that if you’re getting

enough sleep, you don’t even need an alarm

clock…you will wake up on your own.

I don’t know that I’ve ever personally had

the luxury of getting that much sleep!

So until that magical day happens,

here are 2 effective ways to do it:

The more expensive way is to buy a fancy

alarm clock that gradually lightens the room

15-45 minutes before a sound alarm goes off,

mimicking what it’s like to wake up to the sun

rising, so that you’re already partially awake

before the alarm goes off.

This is like the one I have : sun clock.

The less expensive way involves going down

to your local hardware store and getting a

lamp timer for about $8, and set it to turn

your light on your bedside table about 15

to 45 minutes before your alarm clock is

set to go off in the morning.

Either way, you’ll wake up more gradually,

so when you hear your alarm, you can

“hit the ground running” and get going

with your day!

That’ll be $99,999, please. 

Mike Wallace 1918-2012

Mike Wallace died last Saturday, April 7th at the age of 93.

You may remember him from the CBS show “60 Minutes.”

He was well-known and highly respected in his field,

winning over 20 Emmy Awards for his television news

reporting, among many prestigious awards.

But what I, and many of us in the mental health field,

respect him for is being a mental illness stigma-buster.

“…dead inside.”

Mike Wallace is not as well-known for something that

he also spent much of his life doing:  fighting depression.

He had experienced several bouts of mild depression,

which he had always been able to rally from until 1984.

In an article he wrote for Guideposts, he said  “I found

myself suddenly struck, then overwhelmed, by something

—an emptiness, a helplessness, an emotional and physical

collapse—I’d never experienced before.”

He had no energy, he had no appetite, he couldn’t sleep,

and no matter what he did, he felt “dead inside.”

Seeking help…

Mr. Wallace finally felt driven to seek help and was

admitted to a hospital and evaluated by a psychiatrist.

It was the beginning of the end of the nightmare for him,

as he was finally diagnosed with clinical depression and

started on anti-depressant medication, which he took for

the rest of his life, and referred for psychotherapy.

He recovered and was able to work and live again,

managing some recurrences of depression effectively.

He could have stopped there…

He didn’t have to tell anyone what had happened.

The “official story” given to the media was that

he had been hospitalized for exhaustion.

As a late-night guest on Later with Bob Costas, he said

it occurred to him as he was being interviewed about

his job that the kind of people who might be up watching

television late at night were people like him, who

when the depression was severe, suffered terrible

insomnia and he stayed up late channel-surfing.

It dawned on him that it might help give people hope

to know that depression can be treated and that there

is nothing to be ashamed of if you suffer from it.

…but he didn’t!

So Mr. Wallace took a huge risk in revealing that he

suffered from depression, had tried to commit suicide

in 1986, was taking anti-depressant medication and

going to therapy…and advised people to get help if

they were experiencing symptoms of depression.

He had been told by many people he trusted not

to go public with the information because it would

“be bad for his image.”  It could damage his reputation.

The stigma related to mental illness was even worse

for people in the 1990s than it is now.

“Help was out there…”

But he was willing to risk damage to his reputation

to get the word out to millions of viewers that

there was hope for people suffering from depression.

He wrote, “I wanted whoever might be listening and

suffering to understand how low I’d sunk and how I

was getting better every day with treatment.

Help was out there for them too.”

Thank You

I want to say a personal thank you to this man

I have never met for attempting to break

down barriers for people to access mental

health services when they need them.

For helping to take the shame and stigma out

of suffering from a very common, treatable disorder.

And for being willing to do this at great potential

personal and professional cost to himself.

Thank you, Mr. Wallace.

Rest in peace.

 

For more information about Mike Wallace,

his career, and a special program being broadcast

on “60 Minutes” on April 15, click here.

 

 

We’re Off to See the Therapist!

Clients come to therapy with many different

expectations, wants, and needs.

Some people want their therapist to just

be there and listen to them…an experience

they don’t get very often and one they need to

be able to understand themselves better.

Some people come to therapy thinking that

the therapist will be able to fix their problems.

Others aren’t sure exactly what to expect,

aren’t sure what they want or need…they

just have a sense that something is missing

or just isn’t working anymore.

The Therapist of Oz

It dawns on me weekly that therapy is very

much like that story of The Wizard of Oz.

People come to therapy searching for many

things:  happiness, peace, healing, relief,

the ability to become powerful in their own lives,

the ability to stop doing things they don’t want to do,

the ability to start doing things they do want to do.

Just like the lion, the tinman, the scarecrow, and even

Dorothy…they are searching for love, for courage,

for empowerment, to feel finally like they belong in this

world they would like to feel like and call “Home.”

The Wizard:  Fraud or Freud?

There’s that wonderful line from the

Dewey Bunnell song, The TinMan:

“Oz never did give nothing to the tinman

that he didn’t, didn’t already have…”

And therapy is often just like this.

Yes, therapists can tell you things about your

diagnosis or about the current knowledge of the

field that you didn’t know before.

And therapists can teach you how to do certain

things, like set goals, keep behavior charts,

practice assertiveness techniques, learn how

to resolve conflicts effectively and much more.

But mainly, good therapists simply remind you

and make you aware of qualities, strengths, and

abilities that were there all along.

Just Click Your Heels…

If you are human, you have the ability to love.

You have the ability to determine for yourself

what is right and healthy for you.

You have the ability to be appropriately courageous,

assertive and protective of what matters to you.

You have the ability to trust others, to be more

open and vulnerable and “yourself” with others.

You have the ability to learn and know that

you matter in this world, that you have a home.

Your therapist isn’t going to give these abilities

to you.  He or she may just remind you that you

have them at your disposal, give you some pointers

in how to use them and convince you that you need

to practice because you might be a “little rusty.”

Let’s Head Down That Yellow Brick Road

If you’re in therapy or contemplating seeing a therapist

to help you resolve a problem or issue in your life,

keep in mind that you’ll be the one doing most of the work.

Remember the Wizard never left Emerald City…everyone

else had to go on the tough journeys to complete tasks

like getting the broomstick of the wicked witch.

But hopefully you will leave your therapeutic experience

with the knowledge intact that you have what you need

to know, that you have what you need to feel, and that

you are who you need to be. 

 

“Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.”

                         ~Kahlil Gibran

Our days are very busy.

The pace of life is very hectic.

There is so much to do…always more, not less.

Seems to be less time to get it done…never more.

We are rushing, moving, going, searching, doing,

producing, creating, working, talking, listening,

taking it all in, all the waking hours of our days.

You Need Silence

Our need for quiet for good mental health is well-

established, and the need is even greater for introverts

than for those whose batteries are charged by being

with others and engaged in outward-directed activity.

But you need silence no matter who you are,

so long as you are a human being.

Unplugging…

We call quiet time by many names: downtime, R & R,

break time, recess, breather, respite, unplugging.

It’s all about slowing down, stopping our usual pace

and sitting for a spell, re-gathering ourselves.

Sitting with silence is more than

simply turning off the computer or TV.

It’s removing yourself from the range of

all distractions, so that you can just be.

It may look like you’re just “vegging out,”

but you are tuning in to silence.

What It Tells Me

To be able to sit comfortably in silence

tells me a lot about a person.

It tells me that you can bear your own company.

It tells me that you can handle watching your

own thoughts and bearing your own feelings,

without needing to distract yourself from them.

It tells me that you are open to listening for

the voice from within if it has something to say.

It tells me that you can be present to what is

around you, that you are able to take it in and

experience what is without needing to alter it.

It tells me that you are able to see what is

really there to be seen…and are likely to

appreciate it and not take it for granted.

You Can Do It

Take the challenges that are out there now to

“unplug” and disconnect from distractions

for healthy periods of time.

You decide what is healthy for you.

Stop watching and start seeing.

Stop listening and start hearing.

Stop doing and start being.

Sit with silence

and see what it has to show you. 

Shhh……

A Beautiful Day for A Trip

It’s a beautiful day.

The sun is shining, a light breeze…a perfect

day for boarding the train to take you on

that trip you’ve been wanting to go on forever.

You’ve boarded, put your bags up, and walk

to the back of the train to stand on the little

balcony at the back of the caboose.

You can hear the station master yelling

“All aboard!” and the train begins to shimmy

and ready for movement forward.

 

This is when it gets weird.

You look down and suddenly notice that

while you have been enjoying the scene,

a handcuff has appeared on your wrist…

and there’s a length of chain attached to it

that is locked onto the guardrail of the station.

This is not good.

The train lurches and begins to pull away.

Quick:  What do you do?

Metaphorically Speaking…

Now of course this couldn’t happen in real life…

could it?

No one is ever going to handcuff you to

the train station just as you’re trying to leave.

Metaphorically speaking…

ever struggle with wanting to move forward,

make a change, be different…but events and

experiences are holding you tightly to the past,

preventing you from “leaving the station?”

You Have A Choice

Go back to the train scenario…

what were you going to do?

Depending on your resources

(and how many Mission Impossible

movies you have seen lately) you might

saw off the handcuff quickly so you

could stay on the moving train.

You could jump off the train so you could

remove the handcuff and chain, and

then either re-board the train or

book another trip at a later date.

Or you could get ripped in two because you

didn’t know what to do in the situation…

okay, let’s not go with that option.

Letting Go of the Past

You may have had little choice about

what happened to you in the past.

But letting go of the past is a choice.

It can remain there, as does the train

station, forever.

You can return to it, visit it, or never

go back to it again.

The fact remains that you are free to

get on board, move, grow, and change.

Where Do You Want to Go Today?

The train is leaving the station.

Your bags are packed and stored on board.

Your trip is already planned and your future awaits.

Where do you want to go today? 

A Controlled Burn

I live in Florida and lately we’ve been in a drought.

In order to decrease the likelihood of serious forest

and brush fires in this state, in the cooler months,

the authorities will order prescribed hazard reduction

burning of certain areas…or controlled burns.

 

Fires are set on purpose to reduce the amount of

fuel that would be available in the event that a

lightning storm or cigarette-butt tosser might

cause a fire to grow out of control.

And fires can recycle the nutrients that are tied

up in old plant growth, allowing for new growth.

It’s like nature’s version of de-cluttering!

 

It’s Not Pretty

Because controlled burns are “real fires” too,

there’s smoke, there’s flames, and there are acres of

blackened trees and ash left after one is done.

It’s not pretty.

Even though you know it’s all for a good cause,

it’s sad to see perfectly good trees burnt to the ground.

 

Green Out of the Blackness

But just a month or two after a controlled burn,

like magic (that of course isn’t magic), there’s all

this incredible green that begins to come up.

There is new growth everywhere,

coming up out of the charred blackness.

Hazard Reduction

In life, there are times when a controlled burn

is also a very good idea…think “hazard reduction,”

just like the fire control authorities do.

You have to determine what areas need to be

trimmed of deadwood : old, dried-out stuff that

would just be a liability in a major future crisis.

 

Unfortunately, some live green stuff is going to

also have to be sacrificed while you’re doing a

controlled burn.  Again, it’s not pretty.

You can’t just get rid of the dead stuff.

There may be some casualties as

you are making room for new growth.

 What Do You Need to Get Rid Of?

Think of something in your life that is old,

dead, dried-up, weighing you down, and will

probably be a liability to you in the future when

the going gets tough….a life or health hazard.

 

It could be a habit, a commitment, a relationship,

an addiction, an obligation, a responsibility…

something that is unhealthy, toxic, or killing you

slowly…but so slowly you might not realize it

until it’s too late and the fire is out of control.

 

What would it be like to do a controlled burn?

What live, green things would be sacrificed as

part of doing a controlled burn?

What would be the good things you would

lose if you did the controlled burn?

 What Would Like to Have More Of?

What would you be making room for in

the way of new growth by doing the burn?

What do you need more of in your life that

there is no room for now, because of all the

deadwood and dry brush taking up space?

 

Would it be worth it in the long-run to do the burn?

If the answer is yes, then get ready to light your fire!!! 

 

 

 

 Out of Pandora’s Box…

This year I replaced the iPod I used to play

music during psychotherapy sessions

with music streamed through Pandora on my

computer…and I love it!  Now I stream a mix of

new age, Celtic, and classical music all day long.

Like Pandora’s box, once I opened it,

I didn’t know what was going to come flying out.

Synchronicity and A New Riff

Hardly anyone notices there is music in my

office, and that’s fine…it shouldn’t really be what

stands out.  But this morning, just as my client was

discussing how she was attempting to deal with

a very traumatic event in her life, not only did she

notice it, she recognized it was the theme from

Schindler’s List…and that began a new riff.

 

Our obligation is to give meaning to life and in

doing so to overcome the passive, indifferent life.

~Elie Wiesel

 

From an early age, I knew quite a bit about the

Holocaust.  My Hungarian father, my aunts and

grandmother were concentration camp survivors.

As I grew up, I heard stories and saw the effects on

real human beings of inhuman trauma and tragedies,

of things that no one should ever have to experience.

 

My family history made me aware there was real evil in the world.

But it also taught me that there was the chance to overcome it.

 

We have to go into the despair and go beyond it,

by working and doing for somebody else,

by using it for something else.

~Elie Wiesel

 

Back to this morning’s therapy session.

A conversation began about how remembering

something as terrible as the Holocaust could

provide perspective on whatever a person

was dealing with or coping with in the moment.

 

You might see that whatever you are facing

is probably nowhere near as bad as the

circumstances of the actual Holocaust.

And that could give you some relief.

Or you might relate, instead, to the pain and

suffering of those who endured great trials.

 

Hope is like peace. It is not a gift from God.

It is a gift only we can give one another.

~Elie Wiesel

 

Thinking of what others have gone through

in truly horrific circumstances is not meant

to be an exercise to minimize your own pain.

Pain is pain, it is all legitimate and real,

and there are horrific circumstances

enough to go around, unfortunately,

no matter what the cause.

 

But thinking of what others have gone through

CAN provide an awareness that you belong

to the “tribe of humans” who know how you feel.

Because you belong to that group of human

beings who also have suffered and struggled.

 

And remembering what others have survived

can remind you that you can also survive your

own traumas and tragedies…you can gain hope

and courage from the triumph of the spirit of

others who also have been dearly challenged.

 

 There are victories of the soul and spirit.

Sometimes, even if you lose, you win.

                     ~Elie Wiesel

Generation Text

Why won’t they call me back?!

I listen to people say how frustrated they

get with “young people today” who don’t answer

their cell phones, don’t return voice messages,

or emails, sometimes (gasp) not even texts…

texting being the most reliable means of

communicating with an under 25-something.

 

They see this as disrespectful, lazy, rude…

all these negatives and pejoratives.

But it got me to thinking  how maybe

what they’re doing isn’t such a bad thing.

You’re HOW old?!

Indulge me for a moment in a trip

down technology memory lane…

I promise I didn’t walk 5 miles to school

barefoot in the snow, uphill. 

But ranking right up there,

I grew up as a kid in the 70s and 80s.

 

My family had a television.  I was the remote.

My family had telephones  They had cords.

One could stretch down the hallway so you

could maybe get a little privacy on a call.

I was a teenager before we had an

answering machine for our phone.

There was no caller ID.

I know…right? We were so out of touch.

Then We Became Slaves Updated

Once we got the answering machine,

life changed.

Before the machine, if someone tried

to reach you when you were not at home…

too bad.

You never even knew they were trying to reach you.

 

Once they could leave a message, there was

this automatically implied obligation

that you return the phone call.

No one asked if you wanted to…you just did.

 

Then came pagers.  I had one on my first job.

No one asked if I wanted to make the phone

call to respond when the pager went off.

You just had to.

 

Next up, cell phones.

No one asked if you wanted to answer

the phone wherever you were when it

went off, or if you wanted to return a

voice message.  We just did.

Then Came Texting

By and large, it is younger people who

have led the texting revolution…

my 10-year-old taught me how to text..

but I believe they are leading the charge

for a much bigger revolution than that.

 

Texting allows you to be in complete

control of when you communicate,

if you are going to respond, and when.

Yes, it can be “impersonal,” but you also

don’t get hung up trying to get off the phone

with someone who is draining your time.

 

Younger people won’t respond to an

actual call or voice mail…you have to

text them or tweet them or ping them.

Then they decide if/when to get back to you.

I don’t have to!

Having control over if they want to respond,

when they will respond, and how they will respond

is power.  Personal power.  There is no feeling

of being obliged to respond when you want them

to.  There is no feeling of having to give of their

time and energy unless they want to.

A New Work Ethic

And there’s a new work ethic that goes along

with this, too…younger people are not as likely

to follow in the footsteps of their workaholic,

working overtime, working on weekends,

taking-the-cellphone-and-laptop-on-vacation

work ethic of their parents and grandparents.

 

Their great-grandparents (often just their

Grandfather) went to work from 9-5 for a

company or organization for life, who had

a pension set up for his retirement.

Their parents and grandparents have not

had that luxury.  They have often had both

parental units working, often long hours with

little to no compensation other than a little

more money in a paycheck.

 

They have had a lot of things, but they have

also done without much that matters.

They have watched these companies use their

parents up, burn them out, and then lay them off,

or leave them in retirement woefully underfunded.

Thanks, but No Thanks

Younger people are saying thanks, but I’d

rather give 110% when I’m at work between

the normal business hours of 9-5.

After that, it’s my time.

It’s my family’s time.

It’s not your time.

It’s not that you are not important.

But your emails are not AS important.

Your phone calls are not AS important.

Your voice mails are not AS important.

They are not AS important as having a life.

Text Me!

So if you really need to get in touch

with someone under the age of 25…

throw them a text.

They might just text you back.

But don’t hold your breath…

in fact, why not go do something

while you’re waiting instead?

Maybe something even more important.

 

 

 

Happy Birth Day!

Our daughter turned 12 this week, and I’ve

been reflecting on what I have learned about

parenting since the day she came into the world…

“Yes! Make Her Cry!”

Hayley’s birth was very quiet and peaceful.

I went inward to focus on the job at hand,

and gave everything I had…and then more.

Thankful and with awe, like most mothers,

I found there was something greater in me

than I ever knew existed that allowed me

to push past wordless, unspeakable pain.

 

And then she was here…

looking clear through me with the oldest

newest eyes I had ever seen…

not making a sound.

Then the nurse took her away.

No longer in my range of vision, and unable to

hear her, I grew increasingly concerned.

Aren’t Babies Supposed to Cry?!

I thought babies were supposed to scream

at the top of their lungs when they were

first born, (right?)  so I told the nurse

“She isn’t crying! Make her cry!”

She laughed and asked if I was sure I wanted

her to do that, because our baby was fine…

and completely discounting her years of caring

for newborn infants in a hospital setting,

I insisted, “Yes!  Make her cry!!!!”

That may have been the first time that Mother

did not know best, but it wouldn’t be the last.

Some Book Learnin’ Helps

Parenting has been everything I thought

it would and could be…and so much more.

I found it wasn’t easy, sometimes wasn’t

much fun, and our child didn’t come with

an owner’s manual.  (Of course, it’s

possible we left it behind at the hospital.)

So I was happy to discover something

that really helps a parent to do

“the toughest job you’ll ever love.”

Giving the Love That Heals

Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen Hunt’s

book on parenting children and teens,

Giving the Love That Heals : A Guide for

Parents, is one of the most helpful

I have ever read for doing the job right.

It goes far beyond how to toilet train,

deal with temper tantrums or set curfews.

Besides helping parents learn how to not

“hand-down” wounding that they may have

received as a child as they raise their own,

from this book you can learn how to give your

children the safety, support, and structure

that they need to grow up healthy and whole.

 Your Kids Need Your Help

Drs. Hendrix and Hunt get that even though children

are not just “little adults,” they are most certainly

their own persons…deserving of your time,

your energy, your patience and your respect.

Parenting techniques that start from this

assumption are often more effective than those

which assume that children can simply be taught

to do things with reinforcement or punishment

alone, without respect for their feelings or that

they need help to learn how to manage them.

 It’s Going to Be Okay

As often as possible in working with parents, we

try to teach their recommendations to use

empathy, validation, and “intentional dialogue.”

Using some simple, but effective ways of

communicating with your kids, you can show them

that it’s okay for them to FEEL anything they are

feeling…no matter how sad, mad or scared they are.

You validate that which exists, then you help them

to manage and deal with both their feelings AND

the circumstances which brought them about.

You can teach them that they are okay, their

feelings are okay, and it’s all going to be okay…

because you can help them learn ways to cope.

The Instillation of Hope

By teaching this, your child is able to learn how

to manage even very strong and overwhelming

feelings, know that they aren’t bad for feeling them,

and know that there is a solution to every problem…

it is no less than the instillation within the child

of the knowledge that there is always hope.

That alone can carry your child through some

of life’s most difficult challenges, so they can keep

growing and learning and becoming.

These are the skills that they can take with them

into that big, scary world out there…

even if they don’t come into it crying.

 

For more information about

Dr. Harville Hendrix, click  HERE.

 

 

Got Bipolar?

If you’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder,

then I don’t have to tell you that you are

dealing with one of the most challenging

mental health diagnoses that exist.

After Anorexia Nervosa, it’s the diagnosis in

our field most likely to lead to death.

 

Surviving the ups and downs of mania and

suicidal depression, decade after decade,

becomes harder and harder to do.

Without help and a plan, it’s near impossible.

Then I just have to take my meds?

I don’t have to tell you that you are going to be

in a lifelong course of learning how to manage

Bipolar symptoms and take care of yourself.

Or maybe I do.

 

Living with Bipolar Disorder is not as simple

as taking your psychotropic medication and

you’ll be “just fine.”   (Don’t you wish?)

As anyone who takes medication for Bipolar

will tell you, medication only does so much.

 

YOU have to do a whole lot more than that if

you are going to live a good quality of life

and achieve your goals and dreams.

Back To Basics

Human beings can achieve their best

quality of life if they make sure that they

are attending to the basics in their lives.

So what are the basics?

 

The basics are food, sleep, stress management,

social connection, and having meaning in your life.

If you are paying attention to these on a regular

basis, chances are you will not get out of balance

as often, get sick too much, or suffer from the

things that reduce your quality of life.

Bipolar Basics = Basics x 10

If you are trying to have a good life managing

Bipolar Disorder, then you have less “wiggle room”

when it comes to the basics.  You can’t ditch sleep.

You can’t mess around with your nutrition and

exercise program.  You can’t isolate and withdraw

from others.  You can’t have a philosophy of life

that is devoid of a greater sense of meaning.

Well, I guess you can, but you’re going to pay for

it…and you are going to pay a lot more than

someone who is not diagnosed with Bipolar.

Dos and Don’ts

Here is my short and not exhaustive list of DOs and

DON’Ts for living with Bipolar Disorder:

 

–DO find the best psychiatrist you can afford.  Your partner

in medication management is going to be a huge factor

in how well you are able to function and with the

fewest and most livable side effects.

 

–DON’T self-medicate with drugs or alcohol.  It cancels out

the benefits of working with a good psychiatrist, and you

will always end up feeling worse.

 

–DO educate yourself about nutrition and exercise.  Both

have significant effects on brain functioning, and the

changes you can make in these areas give you the most

positive outcome for the least investment, hands down.

 

–DO work with a psychologist or therapist.  Coping with

Bipolar Disorder affects every aspect of your life, and

you deserve to work with someone who understands

this and wants to help you cope with that.

 

–DON’T neglect your friends, your community,or your

spiritual path.  These are all aspects of your life which

will help you in the difficult times, be with you in the

good times, and keep you steadier and more stable.

Resources, resources…

Two websites that give you accurate and honest

information about living with Bipolar Disorder are

livingmanicdepressive and Bipolar Burble, and I

encourage you to check them out.

There are also amazing blogs being written by

people living with Bipolar Disorder…

maybe you could be one of them?

You have my utmost respect if you are living with

Bipolar Disorder.  Yours is a more difficult path

to walk, and I appreciate your willingness to

continue to do so, so that you can offer your

unique contributions to the world. 

“Clear your energy, honor your rhythm, live your vision ”
― George Denslow, Living Out of Darkness: A Personal Journey of Embracing the Bipolar Opportunity

 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

So it’s Valentine’s Day again…and that means

another post about love, relationships, romance,

and all things that make the world go round.

On this Hallmark holiday, most people stress the

aspects of closeness, bonding, and connection.

But the yang to all that yin is about how real

love is mostly about learning how to let go.

The AS IS Deal

Have you ever decided to purchase something

like a car or a refrigerator or couch that’s

been sitting on the salesroom floor with the

big sign on it:  AS IS?

You can get a really great deal sometimes.

Mostly because “what you see is what you get”

and you can “take it or leave it.”

There are no guarantees, sometimes there are

no warranties.  There may be scratches or dents.

You have to purchase the item AS IS.

The AS IS Partner

Deciding to love someone can be an

AS IS proposition…and also a really great deal.

What you see is what you get and you can

take him or her or leave him or her.

But a lot of times people don’t do that.

They think they are taking someone AS IS,

but they are really thinking how they’re

going to get this model home and change it.

They bought a Prius and wonder why

it doesn’t drive like a Ferrari.

Or they bought a Ferrari and wonder

why it doesn’t get a Prius’ gas mileage.

Back to Yin and Yang

So back to how real love is about letting go:

Letting go of unrealistic expectations, wants,

desires, wishes, and other things your partner

is just never going to be.

Letting your partner be who they are, accepting

that they are who they are, and loving them anyway.

Letting go of the expectation that your son or

daughter become an attorney if you are.

Letting go of the desire for your wife to want

to play tennis as much as you do.

Letting go of the wish that your husband could

be Mr. Fix-Everything if he isn’t.

Letting go of the expectation that your partner,

parent, child, sibling, or friend has to

love you the way you want to be loved.

Try A Little Letting Go

There is no greater gift you give to your loved one

(no matter who it is you love)

than to love them exactly as they are.

And there is no greater gift you can receive than to

feel loved for exactly who you are.

So for Valentine’s Day, instead of roses and

chocolate, instead of giving or holding closer,

why not try a little letting go?   <3

 

Mental Health Medication

If you take psychotropic medications, meaning anti-depressants,

anti-anxiety medications, mood stabilizers, or anti-psychotic medications,

it’s not unusual that at one time or another during the course of your

working with your psychiatrist you may experience a side effect

or a drug interaction.

This one makes you small, this one makes you tall…

Like Alice in Wonderland, who drinks a potion and grows too small to

reach the key she has left on a table,

and who then eats a cake that makes her grow so tall

she hits her head on the ceiling,

taking medications to try to feel “just right” can be

quite the unnerving experiment.

 

It’s only one of the many reasons that working with

a therapist while taking psychotropic medication

for a mental health diagnosis is a good idea…

another being that the addition of psychotherapy

to psychotropic medication generally leads to

faster relief of symptoms, longer periods of time

without relapses, or both.

The psychotropic medication roller coaster…

The up and down roller-coaster ride of trying to get the right medications,

in the right dosages, in the right combinations to help alleviate

mental health symptoms can be frustrating, confusing,

and sometimes downright scary.

Being able to be informed about what is normal to expect

in terms of both beneficial and potential side effects

can be helpful as you begin that process.

When medications interact…

It’s important that you know that one of your psychotropic

medications can interact with another one of your psychotropic

medications, or with an over-the-counter medication,

or even with an herbal supplement you take.

Sometimes taking more than one medication can either increase

the effectiveness of one (or both) medications,

decrease the effectiveness of one (or both) medications,

or cause side effects that would not even occur

with just the one medication.

“Great, now I’m thinking I have every side effect listed!”

Everyone wants to be an informed consumer of something

as powerful as psychotropic medication.

However, some clients I work with have been told

by their doctors (or have learned through personal experience)

that it’s not a good idea for them to research side effects

or read the prescription inserts about their medications.

Upon researching their meds, these individuals may begin

to obsess about the possibility of having one of the many

side effects that are listed for each medication.

“I’m not taking something with all those side effects!”

It’s important to remember that pharmaceutical companies

are required to list ALL side effects that people taking their

medication during drug trials experienced.

It doesn’t matter if  they were mild, moderate, or severe

or if the side effects had anything to do with taking the drug

(it is often impossible to know what causes what).

Do a drug interaction check instead!

I would agree that if reading about the potential side effects

of medications make you either not want to take a medication

that has been recommended to you, or it makes you

obsess or worry about having those side effects,

then you don’t have to read the package inserts.

However, there is something else you can do instead…

and that is to use a drug interaction checker.

You can be an informed consumer!

How can you be an informed consumer of psychotropic

medication and possible drug interactions?

You can go to either of these websites:

drugs.com or medscape.com , type in

all of the medications, prescription drugs,

over-the-counter medicines, or herbal supplements

you take and find out if any of them interact.

You can learn if there are any potentially serious

interactions you should be aware of.

If you have questions, you can consult your pharmacist

or your prescribing doctor for more information.

“A Little Power is a Dangerous Thing”

There is a saying that “A little knowledge

is a dangerous thing.”

But it is also said that “Knowledge is Power.”

I personally think that it’s a little power that is a

dangerous thing, but that’s another topic altogether.

What you’re looking for is a balance between too little

knowledge and so much that it freaks you out…

if you need help in finding the balance,

that’s where a little therapy is worth it’s

weight in gold…or prescriptions!

 

 

 

 

I think I can! Can I?

Now that I’m “free-form blogging”, and not writing weekly

book chapters for A Year to Change like I did last year,

each week is feeling a lot more like I’m “free-fall blogging.”

Every week there is literally a blank screen for me

to write about anything I want to.

That initially felt really exhilarating.

Now it’s feeling a bit intimidating.

I don’t always have a plan…

And all this got me thinking about how I approach a lot of things.

Despite the fact that my website is named SanzPlans,

I have a confession to make…I don’t always have a plan.

Yep, I have been known to occasionally leap before I look.

Other times not only do I not have a plan, I don’t have a clue.

Some days I don’t even have the optimism to be like that

courageous guy from the story The Little Engine That Could

who kept saying “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!”

I believe I will, I believe I will, I believe I will!

Okay, so maybe I don’t always “think I can.”

Instead, I’m like a made-up character I like to call

The Little Engine That Didn’t Know Any Better,

who just keeps chugging along without knowing

where it’s going, or even why it’s going anymore.

It’s just that there’s still track ahead and as long

as there’s track ahead, it just keeps on chugging.

Not exactly hopeful, but surely not hopeless….

not expecting anything, really….

open to whatever is up ahead,

trusting it will arrive at an interesting destination.

It’s only job is to just keep moving forward.

This little engine’s mantra?

“I believe I will, I believe I will, I believe I will.”

(Said with a slight British accent and convincing

expression, after some careful thought and a cup of tea.)

Moving forward is keeping the faith…

I take this quote by Madelaine Albright to heart:

“I was taught to strive not because there were any

guarantees of success but because the act of striving is

in itself the only way to keep faith with life.”

On those days when you can’t see two feet ahead of you,

you don’t know where the track is taking you,

maybe you don’t even want to keep chugging along…

none of that really matters.

What really matters is that you keep moving forward.

Keep Faith With Life

Moving forward is keeping faith with life.

And I believe that if you keep faith with life,

it will keep faith with you in the end.

If you’ve had a really trying week,

month, year, decade, or even a lifetime…

what really matters is that you keep moving forward.

You can do it an inch at a time,

at whatever pace you can muster.

You can stop and rest whenever you need to.

Simply know that you are making a defining

statement about your life when you say

“I believe I will, I believe I will, I believe I will.”

All aboard?! 

 

 

Finding the balance

is what we are all trying to do…

whether we are talking about the balance between work and play,

taking care of others and taking care of ourselves,

or between caring too little or caring too much.

Finding the Sweet Spot

Athletes and anyone else who has to “perform” are always

looking for that sweet spot where they care enough about

how they are doing to want to do their best…

but not so much that they are freaking out about

their performance.

Because as any performer knows, caring too much about

the performance will doom it.

So how do you find the sweet spot?

How do you care, but not too much?

How do you care just enough to get the best performance

out of yourself?

But not so much that you find yourself freaking out?!

Rule #1:  Being Anxious Means You Care

Understand that the fact that you are anxious or

nervous about how well you are going to do

(on a test, in an interview, on a date)

is only because you care.

And caring is a good thing!

Too much of a good thing is what turns

a good thing into a bad thing.

(I’m oversimplifying here, but you get the point.)

Rule #2:  You’re Only Responsible For What You Can Control

If you’re about to deliver what you hope is going to be

a rocking performance, you have to put 100% into

whatever aspects of the situation you have control over…

and 0% into the aspects that you don’t.

You can’t control the outcome (the score, the grade,

whether s/he will want a second date with you).

What you CAN control is the process:  giving it

your all, doing the best you can given the circumstances.

Rule #3:  Care, Don’t Freak

You want to go all the way up to the top of

“the mountain of caring”, without taking even

one more step past the summit…

or you’ll fall off and into the “chasm of

freaking out and blowing your performance.”

To sum up, care, but don’t freak.

Otherwise, we’re going to have to send

out a search and rescue team for you! 

 

 

 

 

 A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.  ~Author Unknown

Not everyone makes New Year’s Resolutions…

there are some people who don’t see the new year

as a time for reinvention, recharging, reconditioning,

reenergizing, reinvigorating, reorganizing.

It’s just January.

But if you’re one of those people who have made a resolution to change

something in 2012…

and, by the way, if you are one of those people…

you are TEN TIMES MORE LIKELY to make a significant

improvement in your life this year…

then this post may help you to do that.

FROM GOOD INTENTIONS TO REALITY

We all have good intentions to change, and we can easily set goals.

As with almost everything in life, it’s the follow-through that is hard.

If you want to improve your chances of seeing your good intentions

actually bear fruit in the coming year, then here are 3 things

you should seriously consider doing.

#1  :  GET REAL

You heard me.

If your New Year’s Resolutions include losing 100 pounds,

re-locating to Seattle, finding a new career, and getting married

then you are on a path to failure, burnout, insanity, or worse.

(Is there worse?)

If you want to be really successful with something, pick the

most important thing on your list you want to do

and focus on that…and only on that…

until you’ve done it.

Then if it’s April and you’ve already re-located to Seattle happily,

then you can get to work on that healthy lifestyle change.

Wouldn’t you rather have one awesome goal achieved

by 2013 than 5 or 6 failed intentions?

#2  :  CARROTS AND STICKS

You need to use carrots (not real ones) to accomplish your goals:

Your goal is to walk for 20 minutes every day, and you put

a big on your calendar on the days you actually do it.

If you have 5 out of 7 days on your calendar that week with

  on it, then you get to (fill in the blank).  Nice carrot!

 

You reward yourself until the health and physical benefits

of walking 20 minutes every day kick in and become their

own reward and motivation for you to continue.

Want to make this even more effective?  Add a stick.

A stick is a consequence you will enforce with yourself if

you don’t get those 5    on your calendar…make it something

you dread even more than getting out there walking…

like having to go through all your files for tax season.  Ugh.

#3  :  QUARTERLY “MEETING OF THE BOARD”

Everyone I know who goes to a gym regularly dreads January

and can’t wait until the end of March…know why?

Because everyone with all the good intentions to hit the gym

every week start in January and fizzle out by the end of March.

If you don’t want to “fizzle out”, then you’re going to have to

have your eye on the ball come April 1.

 

Decide now…write it on your calendar…to have quarterly

“board meetings” with yourself to evaluate how well you

are doing with your good intentions and your goals.

 

April 1st, July 1st, October 1st, and December 31st are

good days to sit down and keep yourself honest.

Are you doing what you said you were going to do?

If not, why not?  What do you need to fix, change, ditch,

do instead?  Making quarterly adjustments works better

than fizzling out in March and feeling like “there just went

another year of New Year’s Resolutions down the drain.”

“CHEERS TO A NEW YEAR AND ANOTHER CHANCE FOR US TO GET IT RIGHT.”

I leave you with this quote by Oprah Winfrey, because

I too believe that with every new day we have another

chance to learn more, do better, and “get it right”…

whatever that may mean for you in this New Year!

For more help in setting goals for the new year and

for making positive changes, check out sanzplans’

A Year to Change!

 

WHAT’S A MILITARY BRAT?

“The short answer is anyone who grew up in a military family and moved from military installation to installation, with one or both parents being “career” military, serving 10 to 30 years (or more) in the Army, Air Force, Navy, Marines or Coast Guard.”

This definition is from an excellent website called Military Brat Life…a great resource for those of us who have had this unique upbringing and for those who want to learn more about it.

I’ve spent a lifetime answering the question “Where are you from?” with a very long pause…trying to figure out which answer to give the person.

Do I quickly say “Everywhere!”

Do I give the slightly longer version, “Well, I’m an Air Force brat and I grew up mainly overseas and came to the States when I was a teenager.”

Or do I go into the more accurate version which would take about 15 minutes and detail all the countries, states, bases, and towns where I “grew up” and the culture shock I experienced which has made me the person I am today?

“BRAT…Born Rough And Tough”

Being a military brat isn’t a choice that a child makes…it’s a lifestyle that you are born into based on a choice that your parents make…and you are along for the–sometimes wild–ride.

There are advantages and disadvantages to a life that involves almost constant moving, often to foreign countries.

Brats get to see things, do things, learn languages, meet people, and have experiences you would never be able to have staying put in one place.

I’ve gotten to climb around on Stonehenge, run through so many castles in Germany I lost count, and have acquired and lost both a Queen’s English and deep Southern accent.  (I’ve kept my Midwestern one!)

Brats also are the new kids in class a lot, often don’t get to see extended family for years, transition into and out of schools frequently, and miss out on seeing childhood friends grow older alongside them.

I learned some of the most important lessons about life and how to cope with the things life will throw at you  growing up as a military brat.

Along with a lifelong respect for anyone I see in a uniform, this is what sticks with me decades after leaving the last Air Force base I would ever set foot on, and maybe it will mean something to some of you:

LIFE LESSON 1: BLOOM WHERE YOU’RE PLANTED

Brats learn to make the best of wherever they are, and this saying has come to symbolize to me not only what being a military brat’s life is about, but what being a healthy human being is about.

No matter what life circumstances you were born into or where you find yourself at this very moment, all you need to do is the best you can where you are right now.  Find out how you can be the best you that you can be here, now.

You don’t have to wait until all the conditions are “just right.”  They may never be.  And they’re going to change again, anyway!

Just see what happens if you put down your roots and soak up what sun and nutrients there are around you (and they are there!) and just bloom where you are planted.

LIFE LESSON 2:  EVERYBODY HAS TO SAY GOODBYE

What I learned moving to a new place every few years was not to get very comfortable where my roots were growing…because there was going to be an uprooting a’coming.

No matter how good (or how badly) things were going, I was going to have to say goodbye to every best friend I made, to every teacher I loved, and to every special place I bonded with.

As painful as that was for me, I learned that “goodbyes” are a part of life.  They are as normal as the “hellos” and the conversations that take place in-between.

And just because there are going to be the inevitable endings, it doesn’t mean that you don’t give your all to create meaningful friendships, relationships, and experiences before it’s your time to go.

LIFE LESSON 3: THERE ARE ALWAYS SECOND CHANCES

I count as one of the incredible blessings of being a military brat the fact that with every move to a new country, base, or town came the opportunity to re-create myself.

Not one person in my new school or neighborhood (other than my immediate family) knew who I was, how I had done in school the year before, what my personality was like, if I excelled or sucked in sports…there was literally no past to haunt me.

I could start over again fresh that year…with a clean slate.  It taught me the power of believing that anything is possible, that you can be anyone and anything that you want to be, and that the past does not determine your future…you do.

IF YOU HEAR ME GIGGLING IN A MOVIE THEATER…

To end this, I have to tell you one of my favorite memories of being a military brat…and it has to do with going to the movies on base as kids.

Movies shown on a military base began with previews just like in civilian theaters, but after the previews of coming attractions the movie did not start immediately.

Instead, there was the playing of the National Anthem…and everybody would rise, place their hand on their heart, as best you could with hands full of popcorn and candy, and often sing along.

To this day when I go to the movies, after the previews are over, I start giggling.

I’m waiting for all the jawbreakers and lemonheads to start pinging off of my heels the way they always did…because inevitably some poor kid behind me would lose control of their candy trying to stand for the National Anthem!

So if you hear me giggling in a theater after the previews are over…that’s just me “being a brat” again! 

……………………………………………………………………………………………………….

This post is dedicated to all the military brats out there who have served and are serving their country by being such an important part of the families who keep our servicemen and servicewomen grounded, no matter how often they may be deployed or stationed abroad.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 

BABY, YOU’VE COME A LONG WAY!

Well, our work together on A Year to Change has come to an end!

And yet, it is really only the beginning…a new year is about to

begin, and you have so many more positive changes to make!

In the past 52 weeks, you’ve grown so much,

thought about so many things, applied some

great psychological techniques to change unhealthy habits,

and hopefully learned something about yourself in the process.

What can I say, except that I am so proud of you and honored

to have been a part of such an exciting journey!

LET’S SEE JUST HOW FAR WE’VE COME!

In the very first post in A Year to Change,  I asked you to take

some time writing in your journal.  You were asked a series of

questions and your responses should be in your journal.  If not,

that’s okay…just see where you are now.  Take a look at the

questions I asked of you a year ago and see if you can answer any

of the questions differently.  Have you learned something new

about any of these areas?  Have you made any positive changes

in any of these areas?  If you can say yes, then I will feel like

we have done good work together!

Mind:  Thoughts and Perceptions

Do you speak to yourself in positive or negative ways?  Why?

What are you most afraid of?  Why?

Do you struggle with perfectionism?  If so, do you know why?

Do you feel overwhelmed?  If so, about what?

Body:  Behaviors that Affect Eating

How would you describe your relationship to food?

What do you think when you look at yourself in the mirror?

Has your body ever been subjected to any kind of trauma?

(physical or sexual abuse, severe injury or deformity?)

How do you feel about exercise?

Heart:  Feelings and Our Relationships with Others

How many people  in your life can you honestly be yourself with?

Who are these people?

Is it easy for you to cry?  If yes, are you okay with this?  If not, why not?

What is the saddest thing that has ever happened to you?

Does your heart feel soft/hard, warm/cold, open/closed?

Soul:  Self and Self-Care

What do you currently do to pamper yourself or give yourself “downtime?”

Is it hard for you to say “no” to others?  If so, do you know why?

Are you doing too much for others and not enough for yourself?  If so, why?

Where are you on your list of priorities?  Why?

Spirit:  Connecting to Positive Energy for Change

What do you do or did you used to do in the past to feel at peace?

…to feel hopeful?

How do you try to convince yourself that everything is going to be okay?

What do you believe is your purpose/reason for being in this world?

Do you believe in a Higher Power of any kind?  If so, describe your beliefs.

KEEP ASKING QUESTIONS!

These remain important questions for you to consider honestly

and to keep finding the answers that make sense to you.  Because

you deserve to know yourself, to figure out what is preventing you

from having the best life you can live, and to be able to remove

any barriers to that good life…one step at a time.

I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE…

Even though A Year to Change is over, I’m still going to be

blogging and posting stuff that I think could be interesting

and helpful to us humans as we navigate our lives!

So I hope you’ll check back with sanzplans frequently, and

if you haven’t done so yet, join me on my facebook page

and on twitter @sanzplans!

It has been such an amazing journey to do this weekly

posting this year and let me say again, please accept

my thanks for allowing my work to be a part of your life.

You are an awesome and amazing “human bean”…

never stop growing!   

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS…

Welcome back to A Year to Change!

It is Christmas where I am, and I can think of

no better topic to write about on a beautiful

Christmas Eve  than Unconditional Love!

My 11-year-old was reading over my shoulder as

I was typing this (one reason this blog is usually PG-13!),

and said “What exactly IS unconditional love, anyway?

Is that like love that doesn’t have any conditions?”

Out of the mouths of babes.

YES VIRGINIA, THERE IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

This was the year that my daughter also faced me down

about a month ago and demanded to know if there was

a Santa Claus…in her words, “and no fooling.”

Here it was…the moment I knew would come

from the moment that I first helped perpetuate the lie.

I took a deep breath, looked her straight in the eyes,

and told her that there was no “real” Santa Claus.

“AW, MAN….I KNEW IT!”

Her dad and I, and countless others had helped

to perpetuate the myth that a man existed who,

with the aid of elves and flying reindeer,

left the North Pole once a year to bring presents

to all the good boys and girls around the world.

WHY DID WE LIE TO HER?

Why?  I felt I needed to explain that to her, too.

Hayley believes that she is a beloved child of

God, and we have had countless talks throughout

the last 11 years about how she is a good and decent

person, lovable and loved, forgiven and graced.

I could be completely wrong here, but this is what

I told her:  Santa is one way to try to put “God” into

human form in a way that kids can understand.

SANTA IS NOT GOD…

Before I get tons of email trying to convince me that

Santa is not God, please don’t…I know that!

“He sees you when you’re sleeping.  He knows when

you’re awake.  He knows if you’ve been bad or good…”

Kids can understand that here is this jolly old

guy, who has to know that you’re not good ALL

the time, but who still brings you something nice

on Christmas.   If I’m 5 or 6, the idea that a guy

with obviously magical power is going to think I’m

still good enough to not forget on Christmas is pretty

powerful…it’s a message of unconditional love,

albeit heavily tinged with materialism.

But it’s what kids can really get.

They can actually feel it, pick it up, and play with it.

It is grace that comes in their stockings.

MOVING ABOVE THE NORTH POLE

Once you’re old enough to understand that there isn’t

any way for Santa to really be able to deliver all those

presents in a sleigh driven by flying reindeer, that all those

mall Santas look suspicious, that there seem to be an awful

lot of human “Santa’s helpers”…it’s time to move beyond

the North Pole…like way beyond.

LOVE WITHOUT CONDITIONS…

I explained to Hayley that the concept of Santa is about

loving and giving, even when you haven’t been good

all year.  It’s about unconditional love.  It’s about the kind

of love that you feel from God, that you should feel about

yourself toward yourself.  “Love without conditions.”

I explained that as long as there is breath in my body,

there will be Christmas in our house.  There will be a

celebration of the birth of Christ, the birth of love and grace

and forgiveness into the world…and there will be a visit

from Santa Claus to our house on Christmas Eve.

OUR STOCKINGS WILL GET FILLED…

Our stockings will get filled…not because we deserve it.

Our stockings will get filled because we are loved and

visited by love in even this mythical form,

without the condition that we are good or deserving…

without any conditions.  Love without conditions.

This week, open your heart to feeling love without

conditions.  Allow yourself to be visited by love from

God, from others, and from yourself…open your heart

and be willing to receive unconditional love.

And on this Christmas Eve, I wish you the blessings of

this holy season…and that your stockings may never be empty! 

 

READY TO METAMORPHOSE?

Welcome back to A Year to Change!

If you’ve been with us since the first week, then you know

how much change there has been going on within you!

Hopefully you’ve had some interesting insights and

made some changes that have stuck around!

There’s been a metamorphosis going on…

THE BUTTERFLY KIT

One of my good friends and occasional sitter for my

daughter bought her a butterfly kit for Christmas one year.

We sent away for the caterpillars, and when they arrived,

it looked like most of them hadn’t made the trip through

the mail to our house.

NOT EVERYTHING THAT ISN’T MOVING IS DEAD

First lesson learned: don’t count an unmoving

caterpillar out so fast!

It took up to a week for some of them to start moving.

If we’d thrown the unmoving ones out thinking they

were dead, we’d have had a lot fewer butterflies.

Once we established what we had to work with, we

dutifully fed them the caterpillar food and made sure

their environment was ready for them to build their

cocoons.  They ate.  They built. And then we waited.

And we waited.  It took about ten days…which might

not seem long to you. But to a child who can’t see what

is going on inside the cocoon, it is an eternity.

AND THEN…THEY EMERGED!

Then one day, there were butterflies sitting on the bottom

of the habitat…not doing much.  Not flying, not moving

their wings…nada.  Second lesson learned:  it takes awhile

to get going once you’ve just come out of a cocoon.

Watching and waiting to see the butterflies begin to move

and watching them take flight was awesome.

We moved them outside and let them fly away…

and hoped they would want to make use of our buttefly

garden that we had planted in the back yard.

A METAMORPHOSIS IN ACTION

I’ve always been fascinated by the process of

metamorphosis, which I do not fully understand.

I am also fascinated with the psychological concept of

being able to change who you are, and how that process

is so similar to biological metamorphosis.

First, just because you don’t see movement, I’ve learned

you don’t assume that nothing is happening.   Just like

the unmoving caterpillars weren’t dead, people sometimes

need time to recover from traumas and stressful events.

The don’t look like they are doing much.  They might

look or even feel somewhat “dead” emotionally.

But it’s part of the process of recovering and you don’t

want to count them out prematurely.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT COCOON

I honestly have no idea what happens in that cocoon…

I think it has to be kind of gross-looking, though.  I mean,

a caterpillar has to somehow change from this squishy tube

to this insect with gossamer wings inside this little structure.

You go ahead and imagine it…not pretty.

But that’s kind of how change works.  It’s not pretty.

It’s not exact.  It’s not predictable…at least not in humans.

It’s kind of messy, and involves a lot of experimenting to

see what works and what doesn’t for each person.

BECOMING THE BUTTERFLY IS

                                        JUST THE BEGINNING

I do know that just like it takes new butterflies awhile to

gather themselves together in their newness, so too with

us humans.  We need time to become the new changes we

have fought so hard to make.  It can leave us a little dazed

and unsure how to use these newfangled wings when we

rise above old habits and forgive the past and get ready

to soar into the future.

This Year to Change is coming to a close soon.

Remember to be kind to yourself as you use your new wings.

Find yourself that butterfly garden that will support

and nurture you, and above all, enjoy the flight!

COME TO YOUR SENSES, PEOPLE!

Welcome back to A Year to Change!

The year is winding down, but as the holidays get nearer,

you are probably busier than ever and feeling stressed.

The original intent of the season was to lift the human spirit.

But standing in line to buy gifts, working overtime to pay

for them, and wondering how you’re going to get it

all done in time is hardly spiritually uplifting.

It’s time we all came to our senses!!!

YOU REMEMBER THE 5 SENSES?

You remember learning about the 5 senses when you

were a kid, right?  Whether it was from your parents,

in preschool, or from Big Bird on Sesame Street…you

learned about Sight, Sound, Smell, Taste, and Touch.

It may sound counter-intuitive to try to uplift

your Spirit by coming back to the 5 senses,

but it works!  Primarily because it’s so basic,

natural, and brings us back to what can happen

and be experienced NOW, in the present moment.

Are you up for some experimenting?!

SIGHT, SOUND, SMELL, TASTE, TOUCH…

Let’s start with SIGHT.  Look around you right now.

Find one thing that is beautiful near you…something

that brings you pleasure, makes you smile, touches

your heart when you see it.  Bring it closer to you

and let your eyes take it in.  Really focus on it.

Keep it near you this week and notice it.

If you don’t have anything that positively affects

your sense of sight…go get something.  Bring in a

flower from outside.  Find a picture of your beloved.

Just get something beautiful and put it in your line

of vision.  And really SEE it.

MOVING THROUGH THE SENSES…

SOUND is next…ahh!  Music!  Birds!  Children laughing!

A fireplace crackling!  Bring in the sounds to your ears

that lift your heart and spirit.

Or if you need the opposite of sound…

go to the quietest place you can find.  And listen.

There is peace in stillness and silence, too.

SMELL…aromatherapy!!!  Candles, essential oils, perfume,

potpourri, gingerbread baking in the oven!  Bring in the

scents that wake you up, that bring you home, that make

you exhale peace after you breathe in that wonderful smell.

TASTE…I’m not talking binge eating here.  I’m talking about

really savoring something…fully tasting every morsel of

whatever you put in your mouth.  If you’ve never held a

piece of chocolate in your mouth for longer than 5 seconds,

you’ve not really tasted chocolate.  Go do it!!

Take time to use every one of your 10,000 taste buds.

TOUCH…it may be winter where you are, which is a great

time to experiment with this sense.  Find a warm cozy blanket,

your softest robe, really feel the pine needles on your

Christmas tree, take time to stroke your cat or dog or

hamster and fully appreciate it’s fur.

FEEL your way through the room as if you were a blind

person, and this was how you could know you are home.

GET GROUNDED SO YOU CAN SOAR

Take none of these 5 amazing senses for granted.  Give

every one of them a workout, so you can fully experience

being in this human body…receiving all of the sensations

and feelings that are possible.

The point of expanding your senses so you can fully

experience being in your body is to get back

in touch with the spirit within you that can

sense what is beyond the human body.

Your spirit lightens and can soar when you are

grounded in your being, connected to the earth

and all it has to offer to your 5 senses.

Take time this week to come to your senses.

Indulge in visual beauty, heartening sounds,

heady aromas, soothing tastes, and comforting textures.

Your Spirit will thank you! 

Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave.

~Indira Gandhi

Welcome back to A Year to Change!

As we continue to explore ways to encourage positive

change in the area of the Spirit, one skill that will help you

immensely is that of knowing how to forgive another.

So much has been written about forgiveness…

                                    …with good reason.

There is not just one definition of the concept

and it means different things to people.

I’m going to write about what forgiveness means to me,

why it is important that we forgive others who have done

harm to us, and how (exactly) to forgive.

“Holding resentment is like eating poison and waiting for the other person to keel over.” ~Anonymous

As you have heard before, forgiveness is actually not

something you do for the person you are forgiving…

Forgiveness is something that you do for yourself.

Why?  You can live your entire life holding onto hurt

or a grudge and it will never negatively affect the other

person.  They can go on with their life, while you are

sitting around, stuck in the past, holding onto feelings

of pain and bitterness and wanting revenge.

Forgiving another will allow you to be free of the past,

allow your heart to open to feel positive feelings again,

and let you move on in your life.

FORGIVENESS IS NOT CONDONING

Maybe you want to forgive someone who has

done something that really hurt you, but you just

don’t know how. You know what they did was not right,

and you’re afraid if you forgive them, you’ll be putting some

kind of “stamp of approval” on that act as if you are saying

“It’s okay what you did.”  And you just can’t do that.

Forgiveness is not condoning…you do not have to be okay

with what the person did in order to forgive them.

If what they did was okay, there would be no need to

forgive what they did in the first place!

I’M “ALL FOR GIVING” BACK…

To forgive someone, you can say “I’m all for giving back

to you what you did.  I did not ask for it.  I did not want it.

I was happier before you did that thing to me.  I do not want

to continue to have to carry this bad thing you did to me

through the rest of my life.  It is weighing me down, and it

is not mine.  It is yours.  So I am giving it back to you.  You

can pick it up and acknowledge it, or I can just leave this

piece of toxic baggage on your doorstep.  It has your name

on it, not mine.  I go now in peace to live the best life I can.

I hope you will not do this to me or anyone else again.  But

I do not have control over that, and I release that as well.”

LIGHTEN YOUR LOAD…

The point of being “all for giving” back to that person

what they did to you is so that you may be free of it’s

destructive influence in your life.

You don’t have to keep carrying around that

incident which makes you sad, mad, or

confused anymore.

You may have to live with some of the negative

consequences of what they did,

and you’ll cope with that.  You have probably

already been coping with that for awhile.

But by forgiving the offending person, you can at least

lighten your load and be on your way again.

WHO DO YOU WANT TO FORGIVE

So, is there anyone that you are “all for giving” back to

them what they did to you?  Not in the revenge-seeking,

pay-back sort of way…but in the laying-the-toxic-baggage

at-their-doorstep-so-you-can-move-on-lighter sort of way?

Your Supportive Exercise this week is going to leave you

feeling so much lighter and freer as we head into the new year!

Think of the person who you want to forgive.

Get out your journal and begin writing

“I’m all for giving back to you…”

Make sure you detail what they did, why you didn’t ask for it,

why you don’t need to keep carrying it around with you for the

rest of your life…and then firmly give it back to them.

Then walk away.  Go in peace.  Breathe deeply.  Smile.

You’ve just let go of one of the heaviest burdens

you will ever carry.  

 

 

BECOMING COMFORTABLE DOING NOTHING

Welcome back to A Year to Change!  This week we get to do….

nothing!!!!   That doesn’t mean that I get to do nothing…

I’ve got to at least write about how to do nothing,

which isn’t doing nothing, you know?

And doing nothing isn’t as easy as it sounds…

at least not for some of you.

Those of you who like nothing better than kicking

back and relaxing without a care in the world…

you’ll be better off if you just go do that than

read the rest of this post.

For those of you who can’t relax without feeling guilty…

you’ve just gotta be doing something or you go nuts…

this post’s for you!

WE BEGAN AS HUMAN DOINGS…

We didn’t survive as a species by laying around all day

admiring the scenery…or whatever grasses were gently

swaying in the breeze.  We had to “get busy!”

It was about survival…in every sense of the word.

If you didn’t hunt, you starved to death.

If you didn’t find shelter, you died of exposure.

If you didn’t find something useful to do that

your tribe valued, you were dead weight…literally.

…BUT WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS

Today, it’s a little different.  Not that some days it doesn’t

still feel like you’re fighting for survival.  But if you’re lucky,

your basic needs for food, shelter, and acceptance by your

greater community are generally being met.  If you are

reading this on a computer, you are probably among those

who have the luxury of pursuing some of what Abraham

Maslow called “higher order needs” such as those for

love and belonging, self-esteem, and self-actualization.

YOU HAVE THE TIME NOW TO NOT DO

You now have the time to not spend every waking hour doing

something that relates to your ability to survive.  But slowing

yourself down so that you can actually enjoy your “downtime,”

is another matter entirely.  People who are used to working and

being productive most of the time have a very difficult time

being non-productive (i.e., relaxing).  They feel they are being

lazy, useless, worthless, and other pejoratives related to

non-productivity.

I DON’T HAVE TIME TO RELAX

There’s a famous story of a man who comes across a tree cutter

struggling to saw down a tree at the edge of a forest.  The first

man comments that it looks like he’s having a pretty hard

time of it.  The tree cutter replies, “Yeah, this saw blade is

 so dull it just won’t cut.”  The first man suggests “Why don’t

you sharpen it?”  And the tree cutter says, “I don’t have time!”

Stopping work so you can smell the roses may not

result in any billable hours.  But let me just suggest to you that

working more billable hours isn’t going to help you smell roses

any better, either.  Unless you work in a rose nursery….and

even that could result in olfactory overkill.

AT LEAST SLOW DOWN AND SMELL THEM

Getting comfortable with doing nothing is what this week

is all about.  You’re going to take an hour this week or weekend

and do an activity (oooh…be careful here) that is non-productive.

It’s not on your “To Do” list, it’s not work-related, it’s not a chore…

it’s just something that you enjoy that has no value other than that

you enjoy it.  I’m thinking reading a magazine (non-work-related),

lying in a hammock, sitting and watching a fire in your robe and

slippers with a nice cup of tea, taking a leisurely stroll in the park,

enjoying a nice bubble bath.  Those are just some suggestions to

get you started…what is non-productive and relaxing to you may

be very different.

THE ULTIMATE IN NON-DOING: BEING

And if you’re up for the ultimate in non-doing, meditating is

hands-down one of the best non-productive activities you can

not-do.  It’s all about just being, observing your thoughts and

feelings, not actively pursuing any of them…just returning to

a quiet state of breathing and being in the present moment.

Need a quick primer?   Basics of Meditation

Getting so comfortable being with yourself that you don’t

have to do anything…you don’t have to distract yourself

or keep yourself busy…is the sign of a very healthy person.

So let’s get ready and not-do.

On your mark, get set, don’t go!   Just be yourself. 

WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE

How do we deal with it when bad things happen to good people?  And what if that good person happens to be YOU?

I’m pretty upfront on this one: no one gave me the playbook.  No one has given me any “divine guidance” so that I can explain why someone’s child dies of leukemia, why someone’s husband dies prematurely of a heart attack, why someone’s mother is stricken with Alzheimer’s.

I don’t know why there are natural disasters.  I don’t know why parents abuse their children.  I don’t know why children sometimes grow up and won’t speak to their parents.

I don’t know why some people rape other people.  I don’t know why some babies are born with major challenges, why some babies die, why some babies are never born.

I don’t know why some people become addicted to cocaine, alcohol, and heroin and seem hell bent on self-destruction.  I don’t know why some people only hurt the ones they love.

I don’t know why we can’t all get along.  

KNOWING THE HOW DOESN’T EXPLAIN THE WHY

I don’t know WHY a lot of things happen.  I can explain many of the reasons HOW things happen, though.

I can explain the process of addiction.  I can explain how genetics and the environment can conspire to create certain mental health disorders in an individual.

I can explain how trauma affects people’s brains and their behavior.  I can explain how abuse can be passed from generation to generation.  I can explain how people move toward some things and away from others.

And I can explain how you can make changes in your life if you aren’t satisfied with how you are doing things now.

But I still can’t tell you why you were born, now, to your parents, in this century, with your set of DNA, into your set of circumstances, to deal with your particular set of experiences, traumas, and tragedies.

I can’t tell you why bad things have happened to you or your loved ones.

WE NEED A LITTLE WISDOM…

There are much more learned people than myself who have struggled with this question.  Rabbi Harold Kushner wrote a book with the title: When Bad Things Happen to Good People.  This man of God lost his son to a horrible disease, and had to struggle to answer this question for himself and for the sake of his profession.

I do know that if you are struggling to answer this question for yourself, you are going to have to find an answer that works for you.

You are are going to have to eventually feel satisfied that you can say you know why this bad thing has happened to you or someone you care about.

And if you don’t know why, you’re going to have to be satisfied that it doesn’t matter that you don’t know.

BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO BAD PEOPLE, TOO…

And why do we get so upset about bad things happening to good people in the first place?  Because bad things happen to bad people, too…if we’re going to separate people into categories of good and bad, which is a questionable matter in and of itself.

Good things happen to good people and we don’t ask WHY.  And we don’t ask WHY when bad things happen to bad people.

We just have a problem when it’s in reverse.  It’s the idea that there should be fairness in the Universe…and something is going wrong.

BUT IT’S JUST NOT FAIR!

If you didn’t have a Mom or Dad who told you that “Life isn’t fair” when you were upset about something going wrong as a kid, then you were deprived of an essential lesson growing up.  (Not that anyone wants to hear it.)

Because life isn’t fair.  Life is a lot of things, but “fair” is definitely not on the top 10 list.  I’m pretty sure it isn’t in the top 100 things that Life is.

And if you also didn’t have a Mom or Dad who told you some version of “Sh_t happens,” then you were also deprived of a Universal truth growing up.  Because that’s got to be the sub-heading under “Life isn’t fair.”

There is much more wisdom we require to cope with the fact that bad things happen to us than to just fall back on “life isn’t fair” and “sh_t happens.”   But starting out with these two really does help all the rest of the wisdom work.

Because the rest of the wisdom is about how to deal with these two universals.

FINDING THE MEANING IN IT ALL

Once you can accept that maybe bad things haven’t happened to you because you deserve it (you don’t…life isn’t fair and sometimes you get stuff you don’t deserve) or because you’re a bad person (you’re not…remember sh_t happens sometimes), now we can move on to figuring out what to think about all this bad stuff happening that we don’t deserve but it’s just still happening!

This is a very personal part of the journey.  Rabbi Kushner found a way that God could still be a part of helping him to deal with a tragedy that neither he nor his son deserved.

You are going to have to find a way to find some meaning and some resources to help you recover from whatever bad thing has happened…or is happening…to you.

And you can do this without blaming yourself.  It’s even possible to do this without blaming anyone else.

You may eventually come to a place where the WHYs related to how you got messed up become a whole lot less important than the HOWs related to getting better.

I know that I can do HOW a whole lot better than I can do WHY.

YOUR SUPPORTIVE EXERCISE

So this week, for your Supportive Exercise, get out your journal and instead of writing down why you think bad things happen to good people, just avoid that whole morass, and start writing down what good people need when bad things are happening to them.

And if that good person is YOU, see if you can figure out what YOU need to deal with this bad thing…and let’s get it for YOU!

Because you deserve good things, not bad things, even when that’s what you get.

We can figure out HOW.  To hell with the WHY. 

 

PAY IT FORWARD…

Welcome back to A Year to Change!  And as if you

needed reminding, this year is gradually going to

come to a close in the next few weeks…hard to

believe, right?  We’ve spent an entire year working

together to create positive change in your life.

What fun!

This week in honor of endings, of the beginnings of

the holiday season that will soon be upon us, and to

continue work on the last area for change, the Spirit,

we address the concept of Paying it Forward.

DON’T PAY ME BACK…

The concept is a reference to the title phrase of the book

by Catherine Ryan Hyde.  In the book, the phrase “pay it

forward” is used as the opposite of the word “payback.”

Instead of paying someone back for something nice they

have done for you, you “pay it forward” by doing something

nice for someone else.

PAY IT FORWARD…

Get out your journal or a piece of paper right now and

think of the three people who have inspired you and

helped you the most in your life thus far.  Just write

their names down.  Now next to their names, write

down what they did for you that made a real difference

in your life.  Take a moment to do this…I’ll wait.

Chances are that none of these people expect

anything in return from you for doing what they

did for you.  And chances also are that you cannot

probably ever “repay” them for what they did.

(Although taking the time to acknowledge good

deeds and express your gratitude is always a

wonderful thing to do!)

LET’S DO THE NEXT BEST THING!

So instead of trying to repay their kindness and

generosity, let’s do the next best thing…let’s pass

it on to someone else and by doing so you get to

multiply the goodness of those three people.

Like a pebble hitting a still pond, the ripples

will gradually expand and reach the farthest

edges of the pond.  It’s just one pebble.

But that one pebble can have that much impact.

BE THE PEBBLE NOW…

So now it’s your turn.  Look at the list of what those

three people did for you in your life.  Now think of

three people currently in your life for whom you can

do the same.  You may know them well, or they may

currently be strangers to you.  It doesn’t matter.

What matters is that you move yourself to action

and pass along that good energy, the love, the

willingness to give of yourself to help others.

Pay it forward.  You will be part of a human chain

of love, hope, and possibility turned into reality.

The power of a pebble, huh?

 

GETTING YOUR NATURE FIX

 

Welcome back to A Year to Change!

We are working on helping you to make positive

changes now in the area of the Spirit…and this week

it’s all about getting back to nature.

There are many studies that support the idea that

you can be healthier both physically and emotionally

if you live near a natural setting or can get to one

on a regular basis.

Did you know that in areas with only 10% of green space,

approximately  2.6% of people experienced anxiety

disorders, compared to 1.8% of people in areas with 90%

green space.  The numbers are comparable for rates of

depression.  Children and poor people suffer more from

being deprived of green space to be near and play in.

You can read more about it here: Health & Nature

KEEPING IT REALLY NATURAL

Being in nature for even short periods of time has

been found to greatly affect your ability to handle

stress, in a positive way.

You can get in touch with parts of yourself you will

never be able to hear, much less really listen to,

unless you are surrounded by great oak trees, or

majestic mountains, or rushing water.

Looking at an ocean for longer than 10 minutes

in most people encourages the ability to put things

into a better perspective.  The ocean, after all, has

always been here, will always be here…long after you

and all your many problems are gone.  Being able to

feel small and humble is actually good for you!

Because sometimes the things you stress about are

really pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

THAT’S EASY FOR YOU TO DO!

I feel blessed to live in an area of the country where

I can hike in forests or hammocks, and go to the beach…

all within 20-30 minutes of where I live.  And I have

left my backyard unmanicured and full of oaks and

Longleaf pine trees, home to numerous raccoons,

opossums, armadillos, and the occasional black bear.

What do you do if you live in an urban environment,

where most of what you see is concrete, steel, and glass?

If you can’t get into nature, let nature get into you!

You can bring natural things to you…even tending a

windowbox of herbs or flowers makes a huge difference

to the human central nervous system’s ability to deal

with stress more effectively.

When I worked as a psychologist consulting in nursing

homes, if it was at all possible, I required my clients

to take care of a small potted plant, one that would bloom

occasionally (like an African violet or orchid).  Even a small

amount of interaction with something natural and growing

made a difference in their mood and energy levels.

Feeling responsible for something living makes a

difference, I believe.

WE ARE ALL RESPONSIBLE FOR MOTHER EARTH

We are each of us responsible for the care and proper

maintenance of this planet…and getting out into nature

at regular intervals will show you how important you

really are!  Volunteer to do a trash pickup in your

community, help within your local state park, or bring

your efforts and energy to a community beautification

project.  You will feel your spirit begin to soar.

At the very least, cultivate a small green space near

you.  That can be a garden, a set of potted plants, or

a windowbox near a window that gets light.

BLACK THUMBS CAN STILL APPLY!

People who know me know I often joke that I have

a “black thumb,” meaning I often end up killing plants

or flowers that find their way near me.  My strengths

lie more with tending to people!  So I have learned

over time to seek out the varieties of plants

that are almost impossible to kill…the hardy varieties

that can do without water or tending for weeks and

still hang in there.  If you need help, just ask anyone

at your local nursery to point them out to you.

YOUR SUPPORTIVE EXERCISE

First, take a look at your calendar for this coming

month.  I want you to find one day on one weekend

where you can go and find some green space…a

public or state park, a mountain, an ocean…just

somewhere you can breathe fresh air, see green

or blue around you, and be a part of nature.

Mark that day as your Natural Health day and

then make sure you find at least one day every

month to spend several hours in nature.

Want more mental and physical health benefits?

Make sure you do this once a week or more, if

you can.  If not, then supplement with bringing

something natural and living to you…start a

window herb garden, buy a beautiful living plant,

plant a small vegetable or butterfly garden.

Interact with this living thing daily, love it,

appreciate it, realize all that it is giving to you.

“Come forth into the light of things,

let nature be your teacher. ” ~William Wordsworth

I couldn’t have said it any better myself! 

WHAT’S YOUR PASSION?

Welcome back to A Year to Change!

This week we are following up on last week’s

post about your life being meaningful and

having some purpose.  I couldn’t think of a

better way to do it than to explore your passion!

What’s your passion?  It’s what you were meant to do,

your “calling,” your mission on this earth while

you still have breath in your body…it’s why birds

gotta sing, fish gotta swim, and I’ve gotta blog!

Seriously, discovering your passion is something

that will change your life, if you haven’t done it yet.

So, let’s get to changing your life!

I PICKED MY MAJOR FROM THE PAPER…

If you’ve been following along through the year

then you already know I was a psychologist-

and therapist-in-training from an early age.

But I didn’t always know this is who I was.

I was signed up as an Economics major when I

applied to college as an undergraduate.

Then I heard this stupid…as in stupid brilliant…

little piece of advice.  I heard that if you want a

clue as to what you should be doing with the rest

of your life, then figure out what section of the

newspaper you go to first and read completely.

Uh huh.

YOU DO REMEMBER NEWSPAPERS?

Well, even though I had stated emphatically I

was going to major in economics and do something

in international business relations, I would rather

clean out the cat’s litter box than read the financial

news section.  In fact,I’d probably use that section

to line the box!  (Apologies to the stock brokers!)

And that was where I was heading!?

I realized the section of the paper I always read

first was Ann Landers or Dear Abby, and any articles

having to do with health and mental health issues.

Child abuse…check.  Domestic violence…check.

Alcoholism…check.  Eating disorders….check.

Eureka!  So, that was it!

A PSYCHOLOGIST IS BORN!

Okay, not exactly.  I did a lot more research about

psychology, social work, and counseling before I made

a final decision…and even set up an undergraduate

internship at a local Hospice to see if I could handle

the emotional rigors of dealing with people’s problems.

But I did change my major before I ever set

foot on campus and have never looked back.

The theory behind that little piece of advice

is that whatever you are naturally interested in, enough

to spend time and effort of your own free will on,

will give you a clue as to what your passion is.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR FREE?

Another way to figure out your passion?

Answer this question:  What would you be happy

doing, even if you never got paid for doing it?

Think about this.  Do you love working with people?

Do you love helping people out of technical messes?

Do you love creating things?  Do you love tinkering with

parts and getting them working?  Do you love seeing if

you can get your dog to sit on command?

Whatever you really get into doing, please trust me when

I say that there is a career in it…one where people will

actually pay you money for what you love to do.

I know people who get paid for trying out cosmetics,

and blogging about it, so come on people!!!

DO WHAT YOU LOVE…

THE MONEY WILL FOLLOW

The best career advice I’ve ever heard was this:

Do what you love and the money will follow.  It’s also true

that if you are doing what you love, even if the money isn’t

exactly following like you’d like it to be, you don’t mind as much

because…you are doing what you love!   Not a bad deal.

There’s enough job and life satisfaction research out there

to show that if you hate what you do all day, there’s not

enough money printed out there to make you happy and

healthy enough to enjoy what’s left of your life.

So, figure out what you would do for free, and then let’s

see if we can’t figure out how you can get paid to do it.

WHAT WOULD YOU ATTEMPT TO DO IF…

To truly be able to discern your calling or your passion,

you have to free yourself from all expectations that others

 have of you and of who they think you should be.

That’s far from easy, but it’s worth doing if you want

to discover who you really are and are meant to be.

You also have to free yourself from the fear of failing,

so that you can discover what you were really meant

to do on this earth.  Asking yourself the question

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could

NOT fail? may open up a world of answers for you.

YOUR SUPPORTIVE EXERCISE

 So this week you get to explore your passion!

Get out your journal and let yourself write about

the following topics.  Let your mind take you on

whatever wild journey it wants to…

1.  What part of the newspaper do you always read

     or do you always read all the way through?

     What do you think that may mean about you?

2.  What would you do for free, because you love

      doing it so much?

3.  What would you attempt to do if you knew you

     could not fail??

Figure out your passion…it’s in there, you can find it,

and it has the power to change your life! 

 

 

ARE YOU AN ACCIDENT?

Welcome back to A Year to Change!

It’s hard to believe we are in the home stretch…

we’ve made changes in the Mind, Body, Heart, and Soul!

So now as we near the end of the year, it’s a good time

to make positive changes in the area of the Spirit.

When I say Spirit, I mean this dictionary

definition:   “The vital principle or animating force

within living beings.”   While that may not clear much

up for you, I believe that regardless whether you

have strong religious beliefs, or none, the use of the

term Spirit with this definition should not cause you

to lose sight of the ways we want to see healthy change

occur for you in this area of your life.

PURELY FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUMENT…

While I don’t really enjoy arguing all that much, let’s

just consider this one issue:  whether your existence,

your being here now, is an accident.

Arguing for the case that you are not an accident,

I would say that your being here is meaningful,

has purpose (if not plan), and is important.

Arguing as the “devil’s advocate” that you are an

accident, I would say that your being here has

absolutely no meaning, your life has little to no

purpose, and is fairly unimportant in the grand

scheme of things.

WHO DO YOU BELIEVE?

Given that I cannot give you absolute proof (at

least not the kind of proof that all people would

be willing to accept as absolute  proof)  for

either argument…which side do you believe?

Do you have a preference for believing either one?

And if so, why is that your preference, if you know?

DARK NIGHTS OF THE SOUL…

I work with people who are struggling with some of

the most difficult, challenging experiences that life

can throw at them.

I am well acquainted with the “dark nights of the soul”

and how there can be moments when one wonders

whether you should be alive at all.

I hope you have never had one of those moments.

But at those moments, what you believe about your

existence is going to matter a great deal.

The question about your being an accident ceases to

be theoretical.  It may even become predictive.

WHY AM I HAVING TO GO THROUGH THIS?

There are so many questions that occur to someone who

is suffering, struggling, trying to find a reason to carry on:

Why is this happening to me (or my loved ones)?

Why am I having to go through this?

What did I (they) ever do to deserve this pain?

Why was I born if it was only to suffer this way?

Is this what my life is meant to be?

What reason could there be for this suffering?

If you believe the devil’s advocate argument that

your being here is an accident, that your life has no

ultimate or even immediate purpose, and that it is

meaningless…good luck trying to find a reason to

go on when there is suffering and pain and darkness.

GOING WITH WHAT WORKS…

If you believe the argument that your being here is

 not an accident, that your life has a purpose (even if

you do not know what that purpose may be), and

that your being here and going through your pain is

not meaningless…then there may be reasons enough

right there to keep going.

I have a hard time arguing with something when it

works.  And believing that you are not an accident,

that your being here has meaning and purpose, works.

It helps people to survive dark, depressive, painful,

horrible, awful, traumatic times when nothing else does.

It’s why therapists have such great respect for the

spiritual beliefs and practices of their clients, and

why they encourage their clients to make use of their

spiritual and religious beliefs when dealing with major

issues and problems.

IF MY LIFE IS NOT WITHOUT MEANING…

I have witnessed this too many times to count.

A person believes that since their life is not without

meaning, then neither can their suffering be without

meaning.  Since their existing is not without some

higher purpose, their suffering may be put to some

greater use to achieve that.  Since they are not an

accident, then neither is their loss, their cancer,

their trauma.  Instead, it can be seen as something

on their path to learn from, to grapple with,

to become stronger through, to help others by their

own overcoming and triumph.

YOUR SUPPORTIVE EXERCISE

So, what if you are not an accident?

Does that change anything at all for you?

Get out your journal and finish these sentences

as honestly as you can over the coming week:

“If I am not an accident, then…”

“If my existence here is not by mistake,then…”

“If my life has a purpose, even if I am not certain of it, then…”

“If my being here is important, then…”

Remember there are no right or wrong answers,

so just write what you believe

and see what you discover.   

YOUR EMOTIONAL SONAR SYSTEM

Welcome back to A Year to Change!

This week we get to go below and focus on a really

cool way to take care of yourself:  learning how to

use your very own emotional sonar system.

Ever watched movies about submarines and heard the

ping-ping-ping of the Sonar system?  Or seen documentaries

about whales or dolphins and how they communicate?

Sonar is an acronym for SOund Navigation And Ranging,

and is a technique for using sound underwater to navigate

and communicate.  With Sonar, you can listen for sound

made by others or emit pulses of sound and listen for echoes.

It’s how submarines and marine mammals know what’s

going on around them and to know where to go next.

YOU’VE GOT EMOTIONAL SONAR!

I often compare our built-in ability to figure out whether

something is right or healthy for us with sonar.

If we are listening carefully, we can pick up on the

frequencies which let us know whether we should be

doing something or not, whether a particular course

of action is right for us or not, or whether a particular

person in our lives is healthy for us or not.

Some people call it intuition or simply the

unconscious emotional processing of information.

I just like to say: you’ve got emotional sonar!

EVER GONE AGAINST YOUR BETTER JUDGMENT?

Nah, me either.  Okay, I lied.

I’ve done this too many times to keep track!

It’s how I learned about this emotional sonar

system in the first place…by NOT paying attention

to it and suffering the consequences.

Whenever we are betrayed by someone, when

we find ourselves in a really bad or unhealthy

relationship or situation, whenever we learn a

lesson at great cost…there was usually something

that, had we been willing to pay attention to it,

would have acted as a little warning sign that all

was not right.  The signal may have been so weak

at first that we didn’t even notice it.  But gradually

it would have gotten stronger, just like a sonar

signal’s ping-ping-ping echoing to us that something

was looming in front of us and we might want to

change our course.

WE DON’T HEAR WHAT WE DON’T WANT TO SEE

Emotional sonar is only as helpful as we allow it to be.

If we don’t want to know there’s something big

looming ahead that we might want to avoid, funny

how we just don’t pay attention to the warnings!

If we really don’t want to be alone, funny how we can

just not see that our potential partner drinks too much.

If we are feeling pressure to have more and more

material possessions, funny how we can just not see

the warning signs of looming credit card debt.

If we feel we can’t slow down, funny how we can

just ignore that growing tightness in our chests

that in anyone else would mean a checkup with

the doctor is in order.

YOUR SONAR SYSTEM IS WORKING

But regardless whether you want to listen to your sonar

system, it is working.  The signals are there…warning you

and attempting to guide you in the right direction and

away from danger.

So how do you work with it?  As in so many things in

life, it’s all about paying attention.  If the signals are

there, your sonar system is working, then it’s just up to

you to pay attention and LISTEN!

Here’s an example.

HAVE I GOT A DEAL FOR YOU!

Your boss says she needs you to commit to a project

that you are pretty sure is going to take you down,

not up, even though she is selling it to you like it’s

Wonderbread plus.  What do you do?

First, get away from the situation so you can get

really quiet.  In the submarine movies, in all the

really intense scenes they would make everyone

be quiet so they could hear what the sonar system’s

pings were telling them.  You have to do the same.

Get quiet, get centered, then just sit with the idea

and see how it feels in your gut or in your chest.

NOT how it feels when you think it in your head.

Your head is not where your emotional sonar

system is located.

In your head and on paper it might look good.

See how you feel when you sit with the idea

your boss pitched to you, & notice how you feel.

Do you feel excited, calm, relaxed, assured, or

nervous, dread, blocked, unable to get a reading?

Taking this time will make the difference between

jumping at an offer that looks good superficially,

but later on down the road, you find yourself saying,

“I just had a bad feeling about this, I wish I had paid

attention to it.  It just didn’t feel right.”

LET YOUR SONAR SYSTEM BE YOUR GUIDE

Your Supportive Exercise this week is to think of

a situation you have been struggling with.  You are

not sure whether to say yes or no, to include it or

exclude it from your life, to move forward or go back.

You’re going to practice using your emotional sonar

system.  So, first, you’re going to get very quiet.

Relax, breathe deeply, clear your mind of all else.

Now, sit with the question or situation for awhile.

Wait for the signal to come.  It won’t be a ping-ping

sound.  It’ll be a feeling that you will have to interpret.

But if it starts off soft, it will eventually grow if you just

sit in silence and listen for it.   It is your own wise, inner

self letting you know what you need to do.

And it will not steer you wrong if you pay attention to it.

What an awesome system to come equipped with…

emotional sonar.  Who knew? 

ARE YOU READY FOR A

MENTAL HEALTH DISASTER?

Welcome back to A Year to Change!

This week to further engage you in the process of

sustainable Self-care, we are going to get you

ready for a Mental Health Disaster!

Okay, not really a disaster. This is just a drill.

How about  just a little nervous breakdown?

I live in Florida, so like clockwork we are advised,

beginning in August of every year, to begin

getting ready for our local brand of natural

disasters:  Hurricanes.

HUNKER DOWN!

Around here, when we’re getting ready for

a big storm to hit, the phrase you’ll hear over

and over (ad nauseum) is “Hunker down!”

It means “Get ready for whatever’s about to

hit, get your gear stowed, and hang on!”

There are Survival Checklists that are made

available to the public so you can make sure

you have all the information and supplies

you need to survive the time after a bad

hurricane has hit, when there may not

be electricity, running water, hot food,

access to prescription medications, etc.

(Funny how “Hurricane Party Supplies”

are never on those survival checklists!)

SO ARE YOU READY?

Just as you want to be ready when the

“Big One” hits with a natural disaster,

making sure you have what you need to make

it through a Mental Health Disaster might also

make a difference.  Why do you have to wait

until the lights go out to wonder where you put

your flashlight?  And if you have batteries?!

As a Mental Health Disaster Relief volunteer for

the American Red Cross, I have training in how

to respond to people who have just experienced

the worst that nature has to offer:  fires, tornadoes,

hurricanes, and floods.

MENTAL HEALTH DISASTERS

As a psychologist, I have training in how to

respond to people who have just experienced

the worst that life has to offer: depression,

unexpected divorces, deaths, catastrophic

illnesses and accidents, arrests or other brushes

with our complicated legal system, job loss or

loss of financial security, being the victim of a

violent or senseless crime, war…

Mental Health Disasters come in all forms.

These are some of the many reasons that people

seek therapy…to help them to get through just

these kinds of traumas and tragedies.

AN OUNCE OF PREPARATION…

I hope you nor your loved ones will ever

experience trauma, tragedy, illness, or loss.

But chances are, you will, simply because these

things are a part of the world we live in, and part

of living a full, long life on this planet.

Having some of the the things that make it easier

to get through trauma and tragedies when they do

happen is what having a Mental Health Disaster

Survival kit is all about.

You don’t need a lot in your kit,

but what you do need you better have.

SO WHAT GOES IN THE SURVIVAL KIT?

Based on all the available research about

resilience and successfully coping with stress,

here are the things you should be gathering

now in case you ever have a Mental Health Disaster:

1)  3 friends who will answer the phone

at 2 AM without too much complaining to talk

you through whatever is going on with you,

2) a regular program for managing stress (CDs,

yoga, qi gong, exercise, breathing, meditation),

3) Self-efficacy: the belief that you can succeed

in any particular given situation,

4) rid yourself now of any addictions you have that

cause you stress or negative health consequences,

5) develop a regular practice of gratitude,

(even better if it’s based on a spiritual or

religious belief that you are not alone,

you are supported, loved, and will survive).

YOU ARE GOOD TO GO!

Having these 5 things in your Survival Kit won’t

guarantee that you will not suffer, or that you will not

want or need the help of mental health professionals

in surviving a Mental Health Disaster…it just makes

it A WHOLE LOT EASIER!  And when you’re trying to

just survive, anything that will make it A WHOLE

LOT EASIER is worth it’s weight in gold, trust me!

Just like after a hurricane, if you’ve got bottled water,

canned food, a camping stove (mine is complete with

the Mr. Coffee machine that attaches…I just don’t do

natural disasters without my Starbucks!), then you

are going to have a much easier time with the

recovery period than if you don’t have these.

YOUR SUPPORTIVE EXERCISE…

You are getting so good at this, I bet you can predict

what your Supportive Exercise is going to be this week!

That’s right…you are going to pack your Mental Health

Disaster Kit…starting with items 1-5.  Check them off

 one at a time after you have packed them in.  If you

need some extra time to gather them up and get them

all in, that’s okay.  You’ve got time….at least I think

you do!  And remember…hunker down! 

THE FINE ART OF SELF-CARE

Welcome back to A Year to Change!

What better way to stay with the goal of helping

you to make positive changes in how you take care

of yourself than by talking about NUNS.

Yeah.  I’ll get to that in a minute.

But first, a related story.

A NUN’s story, if you will.

 BACK TO 1983…

When I was in high school, I was on the Speech

Team, and I spent a lot of time writing and

 learning how to deliver my own speech on a topic of

my choosing.  I competed regularly in this Persuasive Speaking

category and sometimes won…I was pretty passionate

even then about getting my point across!

THE ART OF SELFISHNESS

My speech was called “The Art of Selfishness.”

I was basically convincing my listener (the judges)

that being selfish was not a bad thing.  That, in

fact, it was an incredibly important skill to have

…a skill that would eventually lead to

the ability to care more, not less, for others.

I know I was not using the word “selfish”

correctly, but it was different and I thought

it was the perfect title for the speech.

BEFORE THE FIRING SQUAD

Anyway, the reason I’m telling you this is

because one weekend, the speech competition

was held at a Catholic high school in Omaha.

Which meant…uh-huh…the judges were all NUNS!

Like dressed-in-full-habit-and-wearing-crosses

and-carrying-rosaries-and-everything NUNS!

So, it dawns on me as I’m about to deliver my

speech that I am going to try to convince three

nuns that they should become more selfish.

So, I’m completely sunk, right?      Wrong.

Turns out, I got ranked the highest I’ve ever

been ranked in Persuasive Speaking

by those three nuns.  It blew me away.

And I didn’t really understand why until

many years later.  And that’s what this

week’s post is all about….

NUNS and the “Art of Selfishness!!

I FIGURED NUNS WOULDN’T BE SELFISH

I thought that people who had devoted their entire lives

to helping others by taking vows of poverty, chastity,

and obedience and whose mission is service to others

would be deeply offended by my saying that the #1

priority in your life should be taking care of yourself

first…then from the overflow of filling your own cup,

you can give to others without resentment and without

the fear of  “running out” or “running dry.”

TURNS OUT NUNS AREN’T SELFISH!

Well, guess what?  They weren’t offended by my speech.

Because it turns out that even though nuns are NOT

selfish, they also do a fantastic job of self-care!

Here is a typical daily schedule for a nun:

5:00 AM, Rise
5:30 AM, Office of Readings (Matins) / Morning Prayer (Lauds)
6:30 AM, Holy Mass
7:45 AM, Breakfast
9:30 AM, Morning Chores / Classes
12:50 PM, Mid Day Prayer (Terce/None)
1:30 PM, Lunch (with spiritual readings)
2:30 PM, Free Time / Siesta
4:30 PM, Vespers, Meditation
6:00 PM, Private Study
7:30 PM, Supper / Free Time
8:30 PM, Night Prayer (Compline)
9:30 PM, Lights Out

Okay, so other than having to get up a 5 AM,

which some of you might have to do anyway,

how many of you get to enjoy breakfast each day

from 7:45 to 9:30?  Anyone get to stop what they

are doing in the middle of the day to pray, read,

think, meditate for 40 minutes before lunch?

How many of you take lunch for an hour?

Anyone get a rest or siesta after lunch?

How about 90 minutes of private time to

study something important to you before dinner?

Anyone get to bed by 9:30 PM?

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST

I am pointing out all the time that people in a

religious order spend on self-care, taking care

of their bodies with healthy food and exercise,

their minds with study, their souls with prayer

and meditation, not to imply that they are

spending too much time on themselves.

On the contrary!

These are people who have vowed to give

everything they have or own away to others,

to dedicate their lives and any energy they have

to be of service to humanity.

The time they are not engaged in self-care is

100% given to helping others.

These are the most UNSELFISH people on the planet.

And look what a great job they do at putting their

self-care FIRST!!!!!

THEY GET THE OXYGEN-MASK THEORY

These folks really get the message the flight

attendants are always telling us on airplanes:

“In case of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,

put the oxygen mask on yourself FIRST,

then (& only then)  assist other passengers.”

You are the person whose needs must be met

first.  Your cup must be filled to overflowing first.

You must nurture and care for yourself first.

Then, and only then, can you adequately care

for others…for the long haul.

So this week, continue to practice all of your

healthy acts of self-care, but now you can do

so feeling righteous, groovy, and unselfish.

Just remember there’s nothing selfish about taking

care of yourself and putting your self-care needs first.

Just ask my three nuns. 

HI GORGEOUS!

 Welcome back to A Year to Change!  You know,

it’s so good to see you…you are looking healthier,

happier, calmer, and have such a beautiful smile!

If your first thought upon reading this was

“Yeah, right,” then I’ve got a feeling that

this is going to be the post for you!

Part of taking good care of yourself is learning

to master the art of accepting a compliment.

With social grace.

THIS OLD THING?

 Have you ever responded to a compliment

by finding fault with what is being complimented?

Them:   “I love your outfit!”

You:  “What, this old thing?”

You may think you don’t deserve the compliment,

or the outfit is old and doesn’t deserve it…but

by responding that way you have basically just

told the complimenter that they have really poor

judgement.  If they knew better, they wouldn’t have

complimented you on the outfit.  Ouch.

That is not socially graceful, nor is it very nice.

WHY ARE YOU BEING NICE TO ME?

 Another reason that people may reject compliments

has to do with not trusting the motives of the person

who is doing the complimenting.

Them: “I love your outfit!”

(“She’s just saying that because  she wants something

from me…probably to volunteer

for her group next week.”)

You:  “Yeah, right.”

Guess what?  You can remain suspicious of people’s

motives in complimenting you, without rejecting the

compliment.  It’s not the same thing as taking a money

bribe and then you’re going to feel obligated to do

something for the person….not that you ever would

take a money bribe.  Geesh!

IT’S REALLY VERY SIMPLE…

 Accepting a compliment is really very simple.

The best way to respond to any compliment is

with a very simple “thank you” or “thank you

very much.”  That’s it…no explanation as to why

you don’t really deserve to be complimented,

or other statements that will make the person

complimenting you wonder why they bothered.

And another simple thing to remember…

Big No-No:  do not respond to a compliment

with a negation or a complete denial.

Them: “You look beautiful today.”

You:  “No I don’t.”

BUT I REALLY DON’T BELIEVE THEM!

If you really do not believe the person who is

complimenting you, or you cannot believe the

compliment you are being given, then here is the

other very simple response that is appropriate:

“Thank you so much for saying that.”  Or you can

try “You are so sweet to say that.”  You are not

agreeing with them, but you are still acknowledging

the person, not rejecting them, and showing social

grace by appreciating that you were complimented.

Them:  “You rock that meat dress better than Lady Gaga did.”

You:  “Thank you so much for saying that!”

Not that hard, right?

A WEEK OF ACCEPTING COMPLIMENTS

Your Supportive Exercise this week is to accept each

and every compliment that comes your way this week.

You may think you aren’t going to get any…but I’m

thinking you are going to be wrong about that.

Watch what happens when you don’t reject compliments.

Even better, so you can learn even more how difficult this

whole accepting compliments can be for people, go out

and practice giving compliments to people and see how

they respond.  How many people just say “thank you?”

How many reject your compliment in some way?

How does it feel to be thanked vs. rejected?

Your goal:  never reject another compliment for

the rest of your life (starting this week)! 

WHAT ARE YOU GRATEFUL FOR?

Welcome back to A Year to Change!

Staying with the area of the Soul and self-care,

this week we learn exactly how one does

“count one’s blessings” & create a spirit of

thanksgiving that lasts the entire year!

The concept of gratitude is an important one in

the field of mental health.  There is good research

to show that the practice of gratitude can improve

psychological, emotional, and physical health,

and improve our intimate relationships as well. Read the rest of this entry »

IT’S GREAT TO SEE PROGRESS!

 

Welcome back to A Year to Change!

Do you feel like you’re making progress yet?

Sometimes it’s hard to know.  Did you know

you’re going to be more successful if you are

setting your goals down on paper and if you are

charting your progress on a daily basis?

If you’re not doing this, how can you remember

in a busy month what you intended to change?

How can you possibly stay motivated?  And how

can you ever know if you have reached your goal? Read the rest of this entry »

STOP COMPARING YOURSELF!

I have a sign on my wall in my office

that says “Run your own race.”

It’s a visual reminder that we are here to

do the best we can and not compare how

we are doing with everyone else out there.

I can’t think of a bigger self-esteem buster

than comparing yourself to someone else.

For one thing, there will (almost) always be someone

who is _______-er than you on any variable you

can come up with: fame, beauty, intelligence,

talent, wealth, ability…you name it. Read the rest of this entry »

PULL UP A CHAIR!

Welcome back to A Year to Change!

It’s good to see you back again…and

doing so well in making positive changes!

We are going to move out of the the area

of The Heart, and into the area of The Soul…

the area where we focus on self-care,

self-esteem, and general TLC for YOU!

To help kick off this section on taking care

of you, this week at sanzplans we’re going to

invite our feelings to “pull up a chair.” Read the rest of this entry »

BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND

Hi there!  Welcome back to A Year to Change!

Can’t you feel all the cool changes you’ve already

made starting to make life feel just a little bit…

better?!  That’s what one step at a time can do!

We’re working on the area of The Heart again

and what better way to make a real difference

in all your relationships than to make a real

difference in your relationship with yourself.

Do you know how to be your own best friend?

It means learning how to love, accept,

encourage and support yourself the way

your absolute ideal best friend would. Read the rest of this entry »

UP-END YOUR PYRAMID OF PRIORITIES

Welcome Back to A Year to Change!

We have moved through the areas of the

Mind, Body, and Heart…and now we move

on to the area of the Soul, where we will focus

on self-acceptance, self-love, self-care and

building self-esteem.  Are you ready?!

And since we are going to be focusing on

self-care, a great way to start is to look at

where “taking care of yourself” falls on your

current list of priorities. Read the rest of this entry »

SEXUAL HEALING

Welcome back to A Year to Change!

We’re about to steam things up a little this week

talking about healthy sexuality with a little

ode to the late, great Marvin Gaye, who introduced

the idea that there IS such a thing as sexual healing!

Talking about sexuality when you may have some

issues related to self-esteem, relationships,

or body image, can be tough, though. Read the rest of this entry »

In the progress of personality,

first comes a declaration of independence,

then a recognition of interdependence.

~Henry Van Dyke

Welcome back to A Year to Change! So good to see you!

This week we are going to address the issue of dependence,

independence, co-dependence, and interdependence

when it comes to having healthy relationships.

So where do you place yourself on the scale of

being dependent or independent?

How do people describe you, and do they

regularly use either of those two words? Read the rest of this entry »

THE VOW YOU REALLY NEED…

 

Hey!  Welcome back to A Year to Change!

Last week we delved (you like delving, right?)

deeply into the realm of emotional

intimacy and I gave you instructions

on how to begin to open up your heart.

Not as easy as it looks at first…in fact,

this whole area of relationships can be

a really tricky enterprise.

And I am all about helping couples

figure out the basics so that simple

but deadly mistakes can be avoided. Read the rest of this entry »

 

THANK YOU, DR. GARBIN!

So, who is this Dr. Garbin, anyway?

And why am I thanking him?  And for what?

First, I have to admit something that not a lot

of people know…I suck at math.

No, I mean I REALLY suck at math.

I’m a Ph.D. and I can’t add multiple digits without a

calculator…that kind of sucking at math.

It’s embarrassing, but it’s the absolute truth.

Read the rest of this entry »

 

It is not necessary to change.  Survival is not mandatory.

~W. Edwards Deming

This is a time of year when people often are readying themselves for change.  The start of a new year is only days away.

You might be thinking about making some New Year’s Resolutions…to finally get around to changing in a significant way.

For some of you, it means you’re starting to think about graduating from high school or college or graduate programs…and what comes after that.

For some, it means learning how to live each day without the aid of alcohol, drugs, gambling, or binge-eating addictions.

For still others, it means learning how to live without a significant someone in their lives, which truly changes everything. Read the rest of this entry »

PERCEPTION. . . Something To Think About

A friend sent this article to me and I had to share it with you.  I hope it makes you think a little bit, like I did, about our priorities….

THE SITUATION

In Washington , DC , at a Metro Station, on a cold January morning in 2007, a man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes.

During that time, approximately 2,000 people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

After about 3 minutes:

A middle-aged man noticed that there was a musician playing.  He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds, and then he hurried on to meet his schedule.

About 4 minutes later:
The violinist received his first dollar.  A woman threw money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

At 6 minutes:
A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again. Read the rest of this entry »

I love my job.  And I know how lucky I am to be able to say that and mean that.

I love what I do every day.  I look forward to going to work and when the workday is done, I usually feel very satisfied about what I have been able to do.

I don’t create anything.  I don’t make anything.  I don’t introduce any new ideas into the world.

I sit across from people, about six clients or couples a day, listening to their problems and working with them to help them come up with solutions.  That’s about it.

I don’t really have anything at the end of the day to “show” for those hours I was at the office.  I would say that quite often I will never know if any of the therapy that takes place has had any impact on a person I have worked with. Read the rest of this entry »

Okay, like most of my posts, this isn’t short, but it’s definitely sweet!  This very week last December, we had Christmas lights stolen from our front yard.  Right after we’d gotten them and put them up.  It was a real bummer.  But I decided to do something about it that felt right to me.

I wrote “An Open Letter to Our Grinch” (we had just watched the cartoon special on tv the night before…my inspiration) and sent it in to our local newspaper, The DeLand Beacon.  They published it, unbeknownst to me…and a few days later, those lights turned back up at the bottom of our driveway.  That blew me away!

I’d done what I needed to do to really “let it go”…and they came back!  Along with my faith in my fellow human beings.  If you like the sound of this true story…read on. Read the rest of this entry »

I know there’s no such thing as a “happy pill.”  But for some people, there are some medications that come close.

The issue of psychotropic medication (that’s medication to help with mental health symptoms) comes up frequently in my line of business.  Opinions about taking these meds run the gamut from the idea that medication is evil to absolutely necessary.  And, believe me, people can have pretty strong opinions about medication!

There’s the opinion that “people who need medication to live their lives are weak and there’s nothing so difficult that you can’t figure out how to deal with it without swallowing a pill.”  Ouch.

There’s the opinion that medication may be fine for “other people,” but not for me.

There’s the opinion that “if I don’t like this feeling, there should be a pill that will make it go away.”

I’ve heard everything from “Better living through chemistry!” to “I’m not taking medication, I’m not crazy!” Read the rest of this entry »

 

Not feeling it this season?  Started getting depressed as soon as you saw the Christmas decorations go up the day after Halloween?

It’s not because you’re famous for being able to give the Grinch a run for his money. You can get by most of the time without people thinking your heart is two sizes too small.

It’s just that once we all get into the “Happy Holiday!” swing of things, people are going to start expecting that you be, well….happy.

But you might not be feeling happy, merry, jolly, or anything else usually associated with the holidays. Read the rest of this entry »

Do you feel stuck?  Nothing’s moving?  Can’t get going?

Like when you’ve gotten your car or truck stuck in soft sand. And the harder you try to get out, the deeper you dig yourself in.

No matter where you are on your journey through life, there are going to be times when you feel like your luck has run out.

Maybe plans you made fell through. Maybe suddenly your health deserted you.  Maybe you’re just looking at your life and you’re not where you thought you’d be by now.

You feel like you’re trapped in a drive-through lane that never moves forward.

Read the rest of this entry »

Maybe this isn’t your problem. Maybe your problem is you’re relaxing TOO much and the dishes have been sitting in the sink in the kitchen for over two weeks now.

Growing an interesting mixture of molds that might just cure cancer if we knew what to do with them.

But maybe this IS your problem…the dishes may still be sitting in the sink, but it’s because you’re running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off in twenty different directions and you’re going to get to those dishes just as soon as you get back from your kid’s gymnastics/dance/karate/little league game and can get a casserole in the oven (yeah right…), throw a load of laundry in, help with homework, get online to make sure you don’t bounce more checks, finish up that project from work…if this is sounding familiar, the dishes in the sink are the least of your worries.

Read the rest of this entry »

For those of you across the pond, or the ocean, who do not celebrate the American holiday of Thanksgiving, please feel free to disregard this post… you  may have much to be grateful for in not having to navigate this holiday.

To be fair, it’s got it’s good points:  fabulous food, a four-day weekend, and great football.

But it also requires many people to deal with stressful travel planning, dysfunctional family dynamics, and food and weight issues. Read the rest of this entry »

So, one night the family decides to go grab a bite out instead of having one of the fabulous, nutritious meals I make at home for some reason or another…and my kid’s usual choice is a local restaurant.

We really like this restaurant, for a bunch of reasons. My husband likes their salads. My kid likes their smiley-face fries.

Okay, be honest, who doesn’t like fries? And then fries that smile at you? Please! Read the rest of this entry »

If you’ve ever suffered an important loss in your life…whether it was the loss of a loved one, a beloved pet, or a special dream…then you know what it means to grieve.

Mourning a loss is an important process, and it’s one that you cannot just skip because it feels really bad.

With grief, there’s no way out but through. Read the rest of this entry »

What would YOU attempt to do if you KNEW you could not fail?

Would you start your own business?  Would you learn how to play an instrument?

Would you invest in the stockmarket?  Would you begin a weight-loss program? Read the rest of this entry »

This blog post is in honor of all Veterans this Veteran’s Day.

My heart goes out to each and every somebody out there who has a loved one serving in the Armed Forces who is being deployed overseas.

Of course, my heart goes out to each and every somebody out there who has a loved one serving in the Armed Forces, period! Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve been seeing a lot of couples lately who are in the death throes of the process leading ultimately to divorce.

There is no doubt in my mind that the economic and financial stress of the last 18 months is taking a huge toll on marriages out there.

There’s more stress, more uncertainty, more job loss to deal with, more wondering how families are going to make it. And when you increase stress, no matter where it comes from…health issues, parenting or caretaking of parents, finances…marriages take hard hits.

But there are some couples out there who are not only surviving this difficult time, they are thriving…using the economic downturn and changes in their lifestyles to their advantage, and their marriages are becoming stronger, not weaker and in danger of separation and divorce. Read the rest of this entry »

“Write the bad things that are done to you in sand, but write the good things that happen to you on a piece of marble.” —-Arabic parable

Being able to heal past wounds and move on to live a happy, healthy life is a goal of many people who enter therapy.

But what you may not realize is that in order to do this, at some point, you have to be able to let go of what has happened to you that hurt you, damaged you, or wounded you in some way.

You can’t open yourself to receive a wonderful new life if you’re holding tightly onto your past hurts.

But how in the world do you just “let go” of something so painful, so damaging that it still affects you today?

Read the rest of this entry »

Okay, that little gem is brought to you courtesy of my own, gentle-natured Mom, who I think I saw really angry maybe five times in my entire life.

I find it quite remarkable that I never heard her say a curse word until I was ten-years-old when she dropped an entire jar of pickles on the kitchen floor.

I remember I was more mesmerized by the fact that she had just said the bad version of the word “Shoot!” than I was at seeing glass, pickles, and pickle juice spread out all over the linoleum.

But I digress! Read the rest of this entry »

One of the true gifts of being a therapist is having the opportunity to work with adolescents and young adults who are struggling with a variety of serious issues.

Trust me when I say that being a teen now is no cakewalk. Read the rest of this entry »

Probably one of the most important “Aha!” moments of my life, as for many other people no doubt, was when I realized that my thoughts were just thoughts and not the truth, reality, or the way things had to be.

Since they were just these things that floated in and out of mind, and didn’t often have any meaningful connection to reality, I could choose to think something different from what I was thinking, at any time. Read the rest of this entry »

SO THIS IS IT!!!

Here I am , and here you are…welcome to my website, Sanz Plans, and my blog, “I’ve Got Your Back!”

That’s what I always say to convey to my friends, my husband, my daughter, or my clients that I’m behind you, I support you, I will be here for you…so you go and do what you need to.

I will be right here, helping when I can so you can be the best you can be.

That’s what this whole thing is going to be about.

WHO AM I?

By day I’m a clinical psychologist. But on my coffee cup it’s written “I am fairly certain that given a cape and a nice tiara I could save the world!”

I don’t know that this makes me the mental health fairy exactly, but I do help people make positive changes, in all areas of their life, without getting overwhelmed.

I help people to feel supported, empowered, and motivated to take steps toward changes they have wanted to make for years, but just haven’t.

I help people learn how to think more positively, handle life stress better, and enjoy life more.

I help people learn how to connect better with their partners, resolve conflicts and fight with each other without causing major damage, and be more in love for a lifetime.

I help people grow their own self-esteem, lay their own foundation of goodwill, and learn to treat themselves as if they matter.

I help people get in touch with what is their own unique place in the Universe, use healthy spiritual practices to help them get through the traumas and tragedies of life, and encourage them to know once and for all that they are good and decent people at heart.

If you would like to learn more about any of these things, you’re in the right place!

Read the rest of this entry »